Trying is the first step towards failure

Hey hey party people!

So this week, fuck going over all the games - I ain't got that kind of time, so instead I'm going to just free-flow a bunch of garbage and still end up with some behemoth 2,000+ word shitshow of a column.

If you're all ready, let's just into some ridiculous shit that happened over the last week - and as usual - just ignore the fact that week 6 already fucking started because fuck Thursday night football.

We had a chance to politically strangle that monster in its infancy when in 2007 the NFL Network had exclusive rights to broadcast the final regular season game between the Patriots and Giants. People lost their fucking minds to the point where John Fucking Kerry stepped in to pressure the NFL to god damn fucking figure it out and allow everyone to watch that fucking game.

Ultimately the NFL caved and they simulcasted the game nationally on both NBC and CBS, but the damage was done. The absolute fucking power the NFL had realized was never going to go away. Shit man, there was a time when we'd only have a small handful of Thursday Night NFL games per season. What wonderful times were those.

The league struggled to get people interested with stupid fucking gimmicks like Color Rush, and the annual Jaguars vs. Titans dumpster fire game.

Then you had the historical matchup to bring awareness to colorblindness by absolutely saying "fuck off" to color blind people with the legendary Jets vs. Bills showing,

God damn stubbornness of the NFL eventually forced it to be on every week starting in 2012.

Why am I complaining this much about it? Well, the Thursday Night game has always been a thorn in my side because it serves as the line of delineation between one week of football and another - and god damn it, I couldn't always get this column out by Wednesday or even Thursday sometimes. And to release this column recapping a previous week when the next week is already in progress brings great shame to my family name.

Oh. And player safety or some shit. Yeah, it's definitely the player safety.

Fuck you Goodell. I will always fucking hate Thursday Night Football. Unless it's Thanksgiving. That shit rules.

Dirty Sanchez

So like,, what the fuck was that shit??

The timeline of that whole debacle was a fucking wild ride. I get a text message update about some news regarding about Mark Sanchez in critical condition after getting stabbed a bunch of times.

What the fuck? Dude kinda seems likable, that's wild shit! What on Earth could have even led to this shit??

Turns out that may have been a direct quote from the incident

So like any terminally online asshole, I hop on over to the very niche Mark Sanchez subreddit at reddit.com/r/dirtysanchez to get any updates.

Turns out this news was originally leaked by some dude on a Colts subreddit, so I follow that trail and the same guy actually said that Police expected to fucking arrest the motherfucker soon.

AND THEN HE DONE GOT HIMSELF ARRESTED AND CHARGED FOR SOME FUCKIN FELONY FOR BEATING A DOORDASHER HALF TO DEATH.

The man notorious for sneaking hotdogs on the sideline like a Polak secretly rippin darts in an airport bathroom, and World reknown for an event simply named, "The Butt Fumble" has gone ahead and fumbled yet again.

But this time, he's fumbled a bag so big that he's going to probably get prison time and will need to fade into deep obscurity all because he just couldn't be satisfied with some alleyway wind sprints, he had to pretend to be a traffic cop.

Dumb fuck. Just become a real cop, and then you could literally beat people to death and easily get away with it. Stupid stupid stupid.

DAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Jankees lose!

The World Celebrates!

Haaah ahahahaha. It's a few days passed, but I simply will never tire from the joy of watching the Yankees go another fucking season with no World Series. The mystique is all but fucking dead and gone. They are currently in their second longest World Series drought. Aaron fucking Boone is now the manager that has gone the longest without winning a World Series. Fuck that franchise to the ends of the Earth.

That Cam Shittler thought he was a hot motherfucker striking out 12 and eliminating the Red Sox. Grew up in Walpole or some shit and was quoted saying he's happy the Sox were gone. Well guess what fucker, YOU'RE THE LOSER OF RECORD FOR THE YANKS GETTING ELIMINATED.

NOW GET IN YOUR FUCKIN TEAM BUS AND GET THE FUCK OUT

Greatriots @ Bluecows

I may not go over all the games, but I sure as hell am gonna go over the official return of the GREATRIOTS.

THANKS BILLS. IT'S ALWAYS A GREAT TIME TO FEEL VALIDATED BY BEATING THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR TEAM.

It was probably the most excitement I've felt as a Patriots fan in like, 3 fuckin years - and yeah yeah yeah, I know, we frankly do not deserve to complain about futility for maybe another one or two decades, but to have our team as a whole play really well and secure a win against the cream of the crop of the NFL is unbelievably satisfying.

I mean shit, look at how happy some of our fans were,

Anyway, you thought us dickhead Patriots fans were insufferable from 2001-2020, just wait for the second coming. Our belligerence shall rise from the Mayo ashes like the Phoenix.

Loose change

I got a bunch of other memes, so I figure I should share those.

49IRs

That fuckin team has zero rushing touchdowns. Can you fucking believe that?? They're fucking 4-1.

Even wilder is, the only other team in NFL History that had won 4+ games in the first five weeks without scoring a rushing TD is ... the 1990 49ers. They went 5-0.

Baker Baker big ol' tiddie Maker

Now that's a fuckin Franchise QB. How the fuck does someone move on from this guy?

Cardinals

Oh wait, they're 0-3 since a certain event. Curious.

Ravens

Yo. What the fuck is even going on?

Edelman, you've done it again!

OK. Let's recap some matchups and shit

W (3-2) The Impossible Kid
L (1-4) The Scallywags

I don't want to kick a man while he's down, but holy shit The Scallywags you kind of put out the absolute worst quality of Quarterback in a 2-QB league. I realize that he scored 22+ points, but Jake Browning is so fucking bad he is being replaced by a geriatric QB with just a handful of days of experience with the Bengals. And then you have Geno "Ayatollah" Smith who just seems like he's a fucking Quarterback Terrorist. Or thief. Or something. He fucking SUCKS this season.

Yadda yadda, congrats to The Impossible Kid, who goes yet another week with Shedeur on his bench. That kid isn't going to fuckin play this season. Or most likely, ever. He kinda fuckin sucks and doesn't seem to display any comprehensive ability to improve.

But hey, I laude the patience while also notching your third win.

W (4-1) Matural Light
L (3-2) Penix Envy

A battle of 3-1 teams ultimately ended on Monday Night when Travor "White Chicks" Lawrence finally showed up and won the Jaguars a game they traditionally fuckin lose. Yeah, fuck off Hollywood Brown (who the fuck names their kid Hollywood? Absolutely fucking insane), you didn't help. Same with Brenton Strange, you can fuck off to the IR.

In seasons past, Penix Envy could have easily relied on that Kansas City Chiefs DEF to pick up some sacks and turnovers, rattle Trevor a shitload, and bing bang boom.

But not this season. This season, the Chiefs fuckin suck shit. Gone are the 17 straight wins in one-score games. Now is the time for three straight losses in one-score games.

Get fucked, Chefs. You think having a generational run is fucking easy because some dipshit podunk AFL team did it? Yeah well, fuck your face.

W (3-2) Ding Dong Pattywhack
L (2-3) mzarecta

Welp. One team was going to end this matchup over .500 while the other would not. Truly a battle that defines a zero-sum generation.

And speaking of zero-sum, how about that fuckin Ertz fucker? Is he seriously still playing? Like, I know you can draft him or pick him up on waivers, but is he seriously getting on-field time?? You could draft Matt Schaub or Tim Tebow for several years after they stopped playing - is that what we have with Ertz? Fuckin guy laid a god damn goose-egg, and unfortunately seems to be mzarecta's only fuckin Tight End. That sucks.

Speaking of suck, how about that Chase Brown? God damn he fuckin blows this season. Such a massive disappointment after last year.

Oh, and kinda the same with AJ Brown - although he's just not getting any sort of offensive attention during games. At least I can 100% relate to his frustration as he's just trying to fuckin post on social media throughout it. Definitely a very productive approach to all of that.

Oh, and that other guy, Ding Dong... uhmm. Tua actually scored points? That's fuckin wild. I hope you enjoy it while it lasts since he's about due for a horrific primetime concussion that forces us all to have the conversation about giving him an intervention with regards to him playing in the NFL.

L (3-2) The Justin League
W (1-4) How's ya mom and dem

WELCOME TO THE WIN COLUMN, How's ya mom and dem! I fuckin knew you would pull it off, and not to be a dickhead about it: what a matchup to get it in! A week after scoring a shitload of points only to lose to a slightly larger shitload, you went ahead and took charge and made it a point to be the leading shitload for the week!

I'm sure you're absolutely THRILLED..

Kinda fuckin wild that your 157 point outburst came while you had three big contributors on bye, and the rest of your bench scoring fucking -2.00 points. What the ever-loving fuck am I looking at?? Who the fuck is Tyler Shough?? Jalen Milroe?? What the fuck is even going on here? Did I miss some sort of newsbreak where I should be seriously looking at those two?

But who the fuck cares. YOU WON. FUCK YEAH.

Man. I keep seeing people starting this Woody Marks motherfucker and he absolutely sucked dick. I don't want to say that he lost you the matchup, The Justin League but .. it kinda did. Poor Jacory sat on your bench shitting out points like it's shrimp after I ate 105 of them at Red Lobster's unlimited shrimp event.

L (2-3) 91 Shrimp
W (2-3) Flip Flops & Coronas

SPEAKING OF SHRIMP, let's talk about this matchup right here.

First things first, this whole SUPERDUPER Flex we have that can take a QB has really made this fucking league so much god damn fun. The absolutely wild combinations of QBs has led to such a shortage that I can't believe mine eyes: Carson Wentz and Dillon Gabriel started for the fuckin winning team.

Thank goodness for Flip Flops & Coronas that Ja'Marr finally fuckin showed up the 2025 NFL season.

Also, what the fuck - Rhamondre Stevenson got 2 tiddies and 14 rushing yards? Hall of fame TD Vulture game. Holy shit.

Ok, now speaking of shrimps,

L (2-3) Neon Dion DeSantis
W (4-1) SCHWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAB

Man fuck you, Sam Darnold. I took you in last season, I gave you the starting spot, I denied trades because I wanted you to be part of my championship run .. AND YOU GO AHEAD AND SCORE 31 POINTS ON ME? WHYYY. WHY DARNOLD. WHYY!??!?? HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?

I expect this from Tetairoa. Or Alvin Karmarama. BUT YOU, SAMMY?

Sometimes,, I don't even know how I continue on.

Fin.

Welp. Week 5 is dead and gone. Bring on week 6 and everything it brings with it!

Take care everyone, I hope you all stay happy and healthy for at least one more week, after which I'll remind you all to do so again!

And let me be your weekly reminder to not leave Halloween costume decisions to the last minute like I most likely will. If you have children or pets that need stuff, don't wait it out - and make sure to buy all the candy you need as soon as possible so you can eat most of it by like, the 24th and need to buy it all again.

Speaking of Halloween candy, anyone have any person preferences? Do you go all chocolate-based? Do you get some sour patch kids and twizzlers thrown into the mix? Do you prefer to only give out licorice and tootsie-rolls, and if so do you enjoy cleaning up all the eggs that will find their way onto the siding/windows of your home?

Personally, I'll take it all. Give me the S-tier Reese's, Snickers, Kit Kat, and Sour Patch Kids. Give me the A-tier Milky Ways, M&Ms (it's a classic, what), and Twizzlers. Give me the B-tier 3 Musketeers, Crunch bars,, ok I can't list them all - but just give them all to me.

...OK. I need to consume some sugar. Time to make me a nutella, banana, nutella, and peanut butter nutella sandwich.