Vote or Die

Snyder selling team?

I hope you read about this elsewhere because I ain't got shit for you all this week as far as extra bullshit.

Which might be a godsend for some, a sad state for others.

Rage Against the Machine

I found these bootleg videos that I can't stop fuckin watching. Since I have a much larger opportunity to spread awareness to the random bullshit that I specifically enjoy, I'm going to jump at the chance to share:

All of them are just outstanding performances. They just pour out energy and I love it all so very, very much. Couldn't be more proud to say that I got the opportunity to see them perform twice.

NFL

Well slap my nuts and call me a bad word, YouTube TV has RedZone available for free today! Oh me, oh my what a glorious little option to have. I want to thank the Patriots for absolutely bitch slapping the Colts (as always) around so I could turn away

Philly @ Houston

The worst World Series game featuring these two cities was significantly more entertaining than this TNF snoozefest.

Since this is tangentially related to Baseball, I'll just remind everyone about:

• Momentum in baseball lasts until the next starting pitcher
• How can you not be romantic about baseball?

I don't care if the Astrisks won it all. It was a really fuckin fun World Series that made me feel like I was being shaken violently .. and I ended up walking away with an erection, discovering something new and exciting about myself.

Peace out baseball. Time for the seamheads to eat some ass and hibernate.

LAClippers @ ATLIENS

Herbert was not going to let the Chargers lose.

And unsurprisingly, the Falcons wouldn't either.

The Falcons week-to-week performances remind me of the movie documentary classic, The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down (or Speed, for all you snobs):

If they ever go too far above or below .500 then the ghost of General Sherman will return to burn down the entire state of Georgia, and then give the Falcons stadium a Coca-Cola enema through it's decepticon butthole roof.

M.I.A. @ Chitown

Easily the best Bears victory in years.

This fucking Justin Fields guy. Looks like the Bears finally got that guy that's got that dawg in 'em. Absolutely wild that there really wasn't much for "bursts of greatness" by Fields in each game. The highlights really seemed super few and far apart from one another.

And then Mr. Fields was baptized by the greatest to ever walk the sidelines.

After surviving the hellfire. After looking into the face of Palpatine's and Satan's lovechild, William Belichick and return alive.

Justin Fields got that dawg in 'em.

Pound Kitties @ Who Dey

It's Who Dey, right? I'm pretty fuckin sure that Who Dat are the Saints. So yeah, I'm trying to be clever and may have fucked it up. Oh no, why am I typing this? No no, football now

Joe Mixon.

Shooter McPherson still looks shaky tho.

PACKPACKPACK @ Loins

They called it a "get right game". Turned out to be a get right fucked game.

Rodgers just kinda shatted all over hisself.

The Lions seriously suck ass. Sure they started out hot and fun like a drunken gropefest. But eventually the Spin Reaper comes and someone pukes in the mouth of the other, you all know how it goes.

What I'm trying to get at is that the Lions just aren't that good - so for them to pick of Rodgers like three times in the god damn red zone is fuckin nutso. Enjoy your early Christmas, Lions fan(s).

Probably should have held onto Adams.

Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrraiders @ Duval

McDaniels fuckin suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks.

Lolts @ Greatriots

Defense + kicker = win.

Colts are so fuckin bad. The Pats offensive line is a bunch of sticks, pillows, and peanut butter all duct taped together, and somehow they kept shit together well enough for it all work out just enough.

Ehlinger fuckin blows though. God damn that was fun to watch. Nine god damn sacks.

But Mac Jones may actually have something wrong with him.

And that something is named Matt Patricia. Sure he's some sort of rocket engineer or some bullshit, but who the fuck cares? He's an NFL coordinator. The fuck he gonna build rockets for? How about you devise a fucking offensive playcall that takes advantage of the few things Mac can do well. It's like he cobbles some bullshit together and then copies half of the Raiders' previous gameplan.

C'mon Bill (under his eye). Fix this shit.

Bill's @ Jest

There is a new coin of destiny:

Vikings @ Football Team

A really fun matchup between the Tinfoil Griller, Mr. "You like that?" himself: Kirkelodeon leading one team, and Taylor "the love child of Heineken and Meineke" Heinicke.

I have to give both teams credit, they proved the doubters wrong and actually played a game worth putting on Red Zone today - with the following absolutely ridiculous reception in traffic:

Some would blame the ref, but that just meant it was a 2.25 on 1 coverage situation. As in: that motherfucker Samuel shoudln't have come away with that fucking ball.

Speaking of gameplay, how about them WFT Unis?? Holy fucking sex, they are absolutely beautiful. Give me more quality aesthetics, please.

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Now that's what I'm talkin about!

Rainy City Bitch Pigeons @ Cards

Ditch Russell Wilson and proceed to kick some fuckin NFC West ass. "Let" Geno Smith is 6-3. What a way to rebuild.

We truly are experiencing the Genaissance. Pete Carroll is displaying some incredibly Genovative game planning and play calling to have this fuckin Seadonkey team leading their division.

Have I mentioned they traded their franchise Quarterback before the season?

Ramses @ Tampa Brady

Tom Brady press conference talking about the game:

Oh. No wait. Let me get the actual press conference:

Tom better enjoy this win as much as he can because he's gotta travel over to Germany a game against the Seahawks in motherfuckin' Munich. Despite the record, we all know that Tom could use his current adversity to come out swinging haymakers in Germanland. Should be a great game.

Titties @ Chefs

Malik Willis: 5/16 for 80 yards.
Patrick Mahomes: 43/68 for 446 yards.

How the fuck was this ultimately a 3 point game? Seems mildly insane.

The Titans were seriously one Todd "dipshit" Downing dumpster fire offensive gameplan away from actually getting a win. The fuck they running streaks for? The fuck they not getting dragged to a dub by Tractorcito?? Why was he on their bench??

Baldimore @ NO

WEEKLY RECAPS TIEM!!

W - 111.54 (6-3) Equitittious Saint Dumbledong

L - 86.30 (3-6) Matural Light

Ahhh yes. A tale as old as time: Robert Woods disappointing fantasy managers nationwide. I didn't realize that it was already that time of year!

Moving on to the second of two goose-eggs: Higbee. Yo. The fuck you doin to one of my favorite clever fantasy league franchise nameses? 0 Points? 11.8 total points in 4 weeks? Fuck outta here.

And take Brandin Cooks with yo...OH MY GOD:

What the fuck is this trash and why am I not playing against you this week???

I don't want to move on without at least mentioning your opponent so, Equitittious Saint Dumbledong.

W - 172.12 (7-2) The Dakstreet Boys

L - 64.02 (4-5) The Scallywags

The fuck?

Man. I remember drafting Justin Fields almost two years ago. Of course, he was absolute dogshit up until basically the Patriots game .. so while you may think I'm kind of bitter, you would be absolutely correct. 45 fucking god damn points.

Obviously, that's not enough to simply defeat an opponent,,, well most opponents. The Scallywags woke up Monday morning with their entire fucking roster losing to Justin Fields, and only Justin Fields.

And that should shock nobody, because .. well .. I'll let a screenshot of his bench do all the talking:

Holy fuckin hell, man. Those are some quality fantasy players, and two of them are seemingly mocking you with the double dipping: Elliott and Samuel are both on their Bye AND listed as Out? Like, no fuckin shit.

L - 102.40 (2-7) I Am The Captain Now

W - 132.26 (6-3) The Impossible Kid

I want to say that Mr. Kid is back now that he's riding a 2-game win streak and his roster has no significant injuries, but he's about to lose his most valuable asset ahead of week 10: The Milf Hunter.

Not really sure how he'll respond to his second QB going on Bye. Maybe with a mid-tier wide receiver in the Superflex that will most likely outscore that fuckin Elf-lookin-motherfucker's completely embarrassing 11.56 performance. Jesus. Zach Wilson fuckin blows.

Scoping out Captain's roster, and I guess whatever happened to Kupp wasn't anything serious. Thank goodness. Kid's too fucking good to be derailed by some dipshit ankle injury because his fuckface coach was too busy dipshitting around during garbage time.

L - 149.00 (5-4) Flip Flops & Coronas

W - 160.56 (9-0) Seyton Manning

It's 6:52 pm EST on Monday, and my anus is just puckering at the thought of following this matchup while watching Monday Night Football. Gonna be fucking exciting as shit. While I wait, I'll just put together a nice little photosherp,,,

Oh. Fuckin whoops.

I missed the whole first half.

Second Half

It's 141.70 to 157.56 in favor of Seyton Manning at the moment. The fourth quarter is comin up super fast and Llamar Jackson is very much withstanding the Flip Flops assault with ease. As one can imagine, Flip Flops & Coronas could use a seasoned veteran of assault in Deshaun Watson pretty badly. Most would assume a Tight End in the SUPERFLEX position wouldn't Likely improve your chances to win - unless that Tight End happens to lead all your MNF starters through three quarters.

And one of them starters is Alvin "Oh shit you got that whole beating on" Kamara.

Wow. I don't think this score changed for the second half of the third quarter.

4TH 4:13

149.00 to 159.26

Llamar is still keeping Flip Flops at arms length. Justin Tucker at least is showing some signs of life while Likely remains unlikely to score again and Kamara is just ... dogshit.

We don't have to speak of Duvernay.

FINAL

And there we have it. Holy fuckin shit. It was super duper mega not-that-exciting.

L - 76.58 (3-5) SCHWAAAAAAAB

W - 128.62 (2-6) mzarecta

Ahh fuck. mza got a win? Fuuuuck. There's no way I'll be able to keep pace. Fucking battle of the bottom.

I believed in you, SCHWAAAAAAAAB. And you have forsaken me. The best thing I had going for me and my absolute dogshit sense of self-worth when it comes to fantasy football, was that at least I didn't have a 6-game losing streak. Now my World has been shattered while I keep looking over this matchup.

Rondale Moore was the only SCHWAAAAAAAABian to outscore his prediction, so to them I salute and show my deepest appreciation. But Josh Allen? YOU FUCKING LOST TO THE JETS YOU FUCKING LOSER.

Jared Goff at least won against the Packers,, and of course no one expected anything from that dollar store Ryan Gosling.

mza. Riding the four-headed beast of Mahomes, Lockett, Carter, Tua is not the worst god damn ride out there. Definitely would have smoked The Scallywags.

L - 107.44 (1-8) 91 Shrimp

W - 118.68 (5-4) Spider 2 Y U do this

You're the commissioner so I'll try to stay polite, but what the holy fuck. I fucking hate how close I seem to get but because I can't quite get the right combination of starters out there, I JUST FUCKING LOSE. Over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

DEREK CARR: JUST THROW MORE TOUCHDOWNS TO JOSH JACOBS. THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM?

Gesicki. What the fuck are you even doing?? Tua isn't even that fucking bad anymore, how are you not participating in the really fucking wild offense they have down there in Miami?? 0.80 fucking points?? I can't do fucking anything with that. No one can do ANYTHING WORTH ANYTHING with only 0.80 fucking points.

I EVEN FUCKING RELIED ON GOD DAMN MAC JONES. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME.

Honestly, I have one single consistent performer,

Fin.

Bye bye week 9, helloooooooo week 10! Gone is the three-day death extravaganza of Halloween, All Saints, Day of the Dead, upcoming is Thanksgiving and the Winter Holiday season! I'm fuckin psyched. This morning we finally transitioned from 65 degrees to 29.

Can't wait to rock sweaters and sweatpants like they might be arguably in style (jury is out). Shit, I might even wear a knit hat indoors.

Good luck with the upcoming week, I'll try to get some power rankings out later but for now I'll be concentrating on my wonderful girlie girl for her bday.

Love you guys, hope y'all stay warm and toasty, and everyone stays healthy and happy!