Gambling and shit

So some horseshit news came across the wire involving the fake Adarn Schefter and some Kraft mac jones n cheese guy joined up with another horseshit gambling platform.

Now. Don't get me wrong - a rising tide lifts all ships - I like competition in any market, even if it's the one I'm in. But this shit pisses me off because of the obvious catastrophic optics as well as the magnified possiblity of fucking conspiracy theories by way too many dipshit twitter users who think that because some proprietary Stat platform's API goes down, that's why they keep losing their moneyline bets on the fuckin Jags.

Like .. gambling platforms have so many fucking safe-guards to not just protect themselves against regulators, but also from dipshits out there that constantly whine that their bad skill is actually us picking on them because like so many of us citizens, American Exceptionalism has completely deluded too many people into thinking they matter to anyone outside of their pets.

So yeah, while sure - Adam could hold onto some juicy tidbit about Cam Newton possibly being signed, instead make a bet or two or possibly let a buddy know, and then post the news brief to twitter just 60 seconds later. But I personally don't think that,

1. He's fucking stupid enough to destroy his reputation as quite possibly the GOAT Founding Father Insider (don't even talk to be about that PaRappa the Rapoport amateur shit-sipper)
2. If he did, there's a little known law that penalize people who violate the Gambling Code of Ethics by catapult. What? I mean, have you even seen Tim Donaghy since that book? Check. Mate.

But it doesn't fucking matter.

We have to be so fucking careful with anything and everything new that we do - whether it's coming into a new state or unveil a new feature. Regulators want fucking blood and gambling platforms are such easy targets. We've gotten fucked before and just bad PR could thunderfuck our anus into a hoola-hoop.

What's my fucking point?

Well, I'm working on it - I think by week 5 or 6 I'll have it nailed down, but right now I fucking hate this move because any fucking gambling-related news that gets seen by people is bad for us because stigma and shit.

[JOE: I work for DraftKings. I probably should have mentioned that.]

Early Games

Panthahs vs. Ex-Oilers

Oooooh shit, that's right - this took place on Thursday.

..

Fuck that. I'm moving on.

Lolts at Tittans

oh. Christ. An AFC South rivalry game? Fucking get me out of here. A pox on that Colts franchise. Their QB is quite possibly the only other human on Earth that might give me a good challenge for EARTH'S STUPIDEST SHIT MAGNET (I mean, two sprained ankles? what the fuck???) and their owner is the only other human on Earth that might give me a good challenge for EARTH'S STUPIDEST DRUG CONSUMER.

Although, there is one thing Jim will always have over everybody,

Reporting whether the dome is open or closed.

Wow. Incredible.

Colts lost by the way.

Failcons n Gints

Jesus. ANOTHER dumpster fire? What the fuck is wrong with Week 3? Falcons? Giants? These are fucking trash teams right now, and it looks like we have our official,

How does Judge, Garrett and Gettlemen still have jobs? Especially Gettlemen, good fuckin lord.

Judge still has a GOAT first name, so he could stay like 3-4 .. more years.

Chargers vs. Chefs

This matchup's got me like: Whoa.

It had everything - and I saw none of it. But hey, that's never stopped me from any sort of critical analysis.

Speaking of no-look,

Dumbass.

You know. It's funny. I have a certain memory that manifests every time I hear a certain phrase .. and thankfully, it hasn't really happened for what feels like years and years.

Until that play, and people talking about Asante Samuel making a nice interception. I'm sorry friends, but it reminds me of that 2008 game with the Patriots and Giants. And how this dude's pappy just couldn't HOLD ONTO THE FUCKING INTERCEPTION THAT WOULD CAP A PERFECT SEASON.

AHHHHHHHHHHHH. AND HE HAD 19-0 WRITTEN ON HIS FUCKING FINGERS

POOP. HECK. FRICK. DARN. BUM.

Sigh.

Fuck I'm exhausted. At least the Pats are tied with the Chiefs at 1-2.

And the Falcons.

oh no

Bengals vs. SteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeexE12

I should care about a classic AFC North rivalry, but I don't.

That Big Benedict Wafflesburger diet paying dividends, I see.

Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Brs at Brownies

I am a fantasy owner that started Justin Fields in one of their leagues.

Ask me anything!

I thought that he'd have a decent time for his homecoming, but apparently it turns out that Nagy is such a dipshit he seemingly coaches so Fields sucks dick to make the Dalton signing appear like a better move in retrospect.

Yeah yeah, memery aside, fuck Nagy and I can't believe Fields had like 3 yards passing or some stupid shit.

Ravens n Loins

Tell me you lost by a field goal without telling me you lost by a field goal.

Simps vs. Greatriots

This is exactly the shit-pumping that Patriots needed.

..

A blocked fuckin punt? For real?

Oh God. No. No. What the fuck?

What the ever-loving fuck is wrong with Josh? Why is he calling the plays that he is calling? Why? WHYYY?

blah blah fuck that

Cards n Jags

hahahah,

hah

PS. TLaw has like 38 interceptions already, what the fuck, get him out of there

WFT vs. Bills

What a couple of franchises.

One was a fuckin slur that eventually ended after their trademark was nulled out. And now they're some kind of parody of themselves with,

What the fuck? FUCKING NAME YOURSELVES, YOU COWARDS.

The other is named after their owner:

Bills won n shit.

Late games

Just end the suffering vs. fuckin Donkeys

Fuckin Borncos get another win and remain amongst the undefeateds,

Just horseshit, really. I don't fucking care what you tell me, the Broncos are barely a top-15 team. Records don't mean shit when none of your opponents even have a god damn win yet. So yeah, go eat Bluecifer's asshole, Broncos.

Dolphins/Vegas

Let's go Brisskett!

I gotta say that I fuckin hate that I root for the Dolphins sometimes. I'm a huge Jacoby fan. I'm a huge Brian Flores fan. They got folks like Elandon Roberts, JMac, .. more.

Yeehawks n Vikes

Vikes get their first dub of the season and are yet another piece of evidence against this very strong argument against a Mr. Pete Carrol,

uh oh.

Rams vs. Buccos

It's funny .. I want to care more about this game but I kinda sorta didn't? I dunno why, it's got two of my favorite QBs (and obviously, my superdupermegaultra favorite in Tom Terrrrrrrrrific) and it seemingly lived up to the hype.

Did I mention that I was working? WELL I WAS SO I COULDN'T REALLY PAY ATTENTION FUCKING BALLS.

Really the only thing I wanted to share was the incredible stick that some Rams defender put on Gronk. I mean, I love the big guy but geeeeeeeeeee-zusss, it was such a perfect tackle. Dude went through him like a hot knife through butter.

Ahh well.

Tom lost.

Packpackpackpackpackpackpack vs. 9ers

All i got are memes

Eegles vs. dem boys

It was a blow out
I had on but but did not
watch any of it

RECAPSES

L - 111.96 (1-2) mzarecta

W - 121.96 (1-2) Seyton Manning

Despite a heroic effort from your boys in red (Mahomies, Godwin and 'Zona Defense), you fell short mza.

Yeah, I know that read like one of those stupid fucking yahoo notifications after a loss, but ain't it the tooth? Oddly enough, this was kind of a close matchup when you think of the god damn shit-pumping victories teams have been getting with double-barrelled qbs.

And yet. Am I interested?

L - 133.66 (1-2) Trinidad's Swollen Testicles

W - 151.52 (2-1) The Impossible Kid

Holy shit-snacks. With a score that could have won quite a few games this week, you get the loss. And Kyler Murray suckin cocknballs is a huge reason why.

Sure, he wasn't that bad, but when you're getting destroyed by a combined 36 from the Kicker and DEF rosters spots alone .. well .. THAT'S FUCKING TERRIBLE.

God, it was so bad that even I got a residual sack tap from just seeing that Trinidad's Swollen Testicles started the New England DEF. 3 puny points. Fuck. What a bad fuckin loss against the Saints ..

WHO THE IMPOSSIBLE KID HAPPENS TO HAVE. Didn't realize they fucked us that hard.

Anyway.

Moving on.

L - 105.52 (1-2) Chubb and Tug

W - 120.90 (2-1) The Scallywags

Oh man, I wonder if Brisskett can prove himself to be a fuckin rad fantasy start. He did great in that loss, hopefully he'll get some extended time starting under center. I don't want to wish anything bad on anyone .. but fuck if I wanna some more Jacoby over Tua.

Wilfork Approved.

But yeah, I HOPE THE TRADE WORKS OUT FOR YOU CHUBB. LOSING YOUR GOD DAMN NAME GUY AND AVATAR PHOTO .. GUY.

Not that there's anythign wrong with naming a team after a player you do not in fact, have.

Anyway, sub-par QB play from 3 out of the 4. Boooo.

L - 137.86 (1-2) SCHWAAAAAAAB

W - 147.82 (2-1) Flip Flops & Coronas

Well god damn, another heartbreaking loss. It's kinda nuts how each of these matchups have fairly decent spreads given how high the fuckin point totals are.

But yeah .. what the fuck. Florida Tom is slowly turning into Sharon Brady,

But like .. 31 fucking points from that old man? God damn. It was plenty enough to keep pace with an insane 41+ point performance from Jared Allen. Jesus.

I do have to respect the ultimate showing of sportsmanship by Flip Flops & Coronas in recognizing that SCHWAAAAAAAB didn't start his defense in time so he also made sure that spot put up a goose egg.

What a swell fella!

But yeah. SCHWAAAAAAAB lost.

L - 104.62 (1-2) 91 Shrimp

W - 110.64 (3-0) I Am The Captain Now

Wow man. Fucking remains undefeated and it's on the back of a 110.64 point performance.

Fucking awesome.

Yeah so like, this is definitely a situation where my rule of "you can't just wish you started dudes you had on your bench because the other team can just do the same" because the other team can't do the same.

Heh. That sucks Commish. Welcome to my world. 1-2 world. Bottom of the league world.

L - 101.06 (1-2) Peepee Mahomes II

W - 142.56 (2-1) Matural Light

Welp. After talkin up how each matchup seemed to actually be decently close - with teams playing to each other's level.

Not fuckin here. Thanks so fuckin much Matural Light. Really appreciate you being the one to break trends. To truly be a leader when others simply follow.

Fucking shit man, Justin Fields was such dog shit .. and Goff wasn't much better. Now I have Daniel Jones as my third? WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO FUCKING DO WITH THIS BULLSHIT?

I'm so happy I don't have to go against that fucking Herbert fucker again. God damn. And I'm so happy for you that Ewokiel Elliott has finally found himself in this 2021 NFL Football League season.

Fuck.

Yeah but .. fuck I dunno, I'm happy about Swift. But jesus fucking christ, where the fuck did Hunt come from?? Is he carrying more than Chubbsy Ubbsy now?? I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON.

But fuck it.

Fin.

Have a great rest of the week fellers. Stay safe, hope all the kids are used to their educational routines, hope all the pups out there are used to their parents not being there ,, or some shit.

Best of look this weekend, much love to y'all and am pretty excited for this fall season.