We are entering crunchy-snow footstep season

What a Performance

I forget if I've mentioned this shit before, but my favorite Internet trend of last '21 is easily the Herman Cain Award.

For those out of the know, it's basically awarded to people who post shit like this,

And then most importantly: you fuckin die of Covid.

Personally, I find 99% of the posts pretty fuckin sad because it's all pretty fuckin preventable.

But this dude brought out some absolutely beautiful schadenfreude from me. Perhaps it shall wet your whistles as well.

Anyway, shut up and type, Joe...

Gaemses

Steelers vs. Vikes

Didn't catch any of this shit, but holy fuckin hell the skill players in this game went off for both teams. I'm sure like myself, a slew of you play in multiple fantasy leagues. And the next assumption I'll be making is that you also diversify amongst your various rosters.

With all of that, I'm going to state that we all either had a fuckin rad time going into the weekend due to a great showing on Thursday, or you just couldn't stop the anxiety over the massive deficit you're facing.

... What a stupid point to make.

Anyway, the only thing stupider is Chase Claypool celebrating his first down against the Vikings.

Although there appears to be video from another angle that may exonerate Chase to an extent,

Yes. His dumbass celebration cost some time, but god damn Eric Kendricks mucks up the whole process by slapping the ball out of his hands.

Fucking outstanding move by the grizzled veteran.

Cowboys vs. Football Team

This is one of those rare wins where fans of the winning team feel worse about their team moving forward.

Really, the only context I have for this game was that it fucking dominated the NFL Red Zone Channel to start. Seemed like every other cut-away went to the fucking Cowboys.

But apparently, their offense sucked some dick and got bailed out by their defense. Not really sure what the fuck that means, but I guess there is a D in Dallas.

Jags vs. Titans

Before I get on with this matchup recap, I just want to mention our new column sponsors:

OK. With the presenting sponsor out of the way - and I want any of you Jaguars fans out there to take advantage of the offer - we need to get to this game. A classic AFC South battle between two teams who fucking hate the piss out of each other.

Ever since the Jaguars came into the league in ... ohhhh, let's say 1995, them and the Titans have done nothing but fuck each other's worlds up.

First there's ..

And then uhh,,,

OK. Well. I feel like there is definitely a lot of history (despite the not-so-recency) but I can't recall fuckall outside of that one season where the Jags went 14-2 with their only losses to the Titans - and then they met in the playoffs. And the Titans won for a third time on their way to a Super Bowl loss.

But yeah, this game didn't really fuckin matter too much because all this section should really be is a Shit On Urban Meyer.

However, why would I want to attack a supposedly altruistic man who just wants to help the meek,,,

One of my favorite parts of this whole Jacksonville Kerfuffle would be the absolutely universal schadenfreude from so many people who saw this whooooole shitshow coming from miles and miles away.

And last but not least, what a fuckin miserable piece of shit. You can tell from the body language that he's actually the alpha loser in that entire franchise. He tried to smoke out the other losers during embarassing-as-fuck meetings but it turns out he was kind loser. Fucking loser.

..Yeah so.

Seahawks vs Texans

OK. I gotta pick up the pace here. No more essays per recap, jesus fuckin christ I don't have this kind of energy.

Seahawks plowed the fuckin Texans .. although it kind of seems like Houston came away with their new starting QB in Davis(?) Mills.

...

Raiders vs Chefs

Raiders got fuckin smoked. Like, I can't even make a Kansas City BBQ joke because of how absolutely obliterated the Raiders got. If the LV Raiders were beef, Kansas City didn't just cook them well done, they cooked them congratulations.

I want to say for 3/4 of the game, the closest the Raiders ever got to the Chiefs logo at mid-field was when they all stood on it before the game started.

Damn. I guess the Chiefs are back.

Saints vs Jets

The Saints now have a better record in gold pants than black pants since Sean Payton came to New Orleans.

The Gold Pants Truthers look forward to more of you seeing the light. (Source)

Jets are a football team.

Falcons vs Panthers

Oh shit. NFC South divisional slugfest.

And did you know that Cam Newton has lost his last 13 .. or is it 11? No wait, 13. Actually let me look it up: 11 games in a row as a starter for the Panthers. Now, this stat goes back several games over multiple seasons, all the way back to 2018.

You know, I've been having a bitch of a time trying to figure out the Falcons all season .. but if they keep beating teams they're supposed to beat and maybe hope for a surprise or four - these Atlanta Falcons could be giving their fans heartbreak a lot later in the season than previously expected!

Also .. anyone out there think Belichick is super pissed that he didn't realize how fuckin wild Cordarrelle Patterson is? I'm frankly shocked we didn't use him more at Running Back and Safety - really only ever rushed on reverses. But whatever, loved his kick returning abilities.

Ravens vs Browns

I've been told that this matchup was a great one for the backdoor cover.

And to further drive home the point that the AFC North is a completely god damn shit show. There's no fucking consistency whatsofuckingever anywhere in that god foresaken division.

Oh, and that Greg Roman eats shit.

Giants vs Chargers

Giants fuckin suck, but at least we got this fuckin hilarious tweet about Eli Manning Daniel Jones,

We need more Nancy Reagan was a fuckin BJ Queen references. I hear the woman could take a footlong with a fury that make Sandwich Artists shake in their boots. Shame that instead of embracing her inner freak and allowing us all to respect her for being genuine - you know, like Betty fuckin Ford who ended up saving countless lives through embracing recovery - we got some "just say no" fuckface who's husband tried to cleanse the USA of Gays with AIDs and inner city citizens through crack cocaine.

Still have no fuckin clue why anyone liked that pair - and I'm of Polish descent, I should love those fuckers because of their hardline stance against the USSR and Martial Law in Poland. But we all know it was more luck than brains that Rayguns' dimentia happened to spur an interest in sci-fi with his dumbass Star Wars initiative.

...wait, what the fuck. Am I talking about the NFL?

Lions vs. Donkeys

1-11-1 is fuckin sweet. Thanks Vikings for this is impossible without your help.

Also, Rest in Peace DT. Sure, I had a pet name for him in: Demaryanus, but it was always with love. Dude was a fuckin great wide receiver and is forever immortalized with the overtime touchdown against the Steelers for that playoff win I had the luxury of watching from .... Austin, I think? Perfect addition to a bachelor party from years and years and years ago:

• Gun range (no safeties in Texas for some fucking dipshit reason)
• Beers and no-tell motel swimming pools (or La Quinta if you're fuckin fancy)
• BBQ:
  - Salt Lick
  - Stubbs
  - ..uh.. that third one
  - there was that fourth one that seemed secondary but it was delicious

Anyway .. was that really that long ago? Fuck me.

But back to the game - and I love displays like this - the Denvery Broncos took a delay of game penalty with 10 players on the field in tribute, then Dan Campbell on the Lions side declined the penalty.

Dan Campbell has a lot of issues as a coach (you know .. like .. winning games), but this dude just gets it. And by that I mean he gets how to be a leader of men. Not all the great leaders have won every battle they entered, but all great leaders carry their men and women into battle confidently and assuredly.

Shit man, I bet there were Broncos players that were ready to run through a wall for the opposing coach after that gesture. Just beautiful man. I love this game.

9ers vs Bengals

It's tough to determine what to feel after this game, so perhaps all of you at home can help me out. From my initial estimations the breakdown goes,

Does spark joy:

• Vikings
• Eagles
• Saints
• Falcons
• Panthers

Does not spark joy:

• Browns
• Ravens
• Steelers
• Chargers
• Colts
• Broncos

Is this shit over yet:

• Everyone else
• peepeepoopoo (haha)

..I swear I was working towards something but I got nothing. So in lieu of that, here's a cool highlight:

oh right, blah blah blah, bosa blah blah

Bill's vs. Buccaneers

Hahahhaha. Fucking HAHHAHAHAHA.

The fuckin audacity of Bills fans to hope for anything else other than this outcome against a Quarterback that has a fucking absurd record against your team. The nerve of aforementioned fans to have hope, to have faith, to dream.

I hope they learned their fucking constantly-reinforced life lesson.

Probably the craziest fucking thing is that these Buffalo Bill's simply can not escape that Patriots ghost:

Week 13 heartbreak loss at home to Patriots who's gameplan consisted of FB Dives, Tosses, and HB Sweeps while wearing literal leatherhead helmets.

Week 14 heartbreak loss to an ex-Patriots Quarterback they have a 3-33 record against.

Week 15 is another matchup vs. an ex-Patriots Legend Quarterback.

Week 16 is against the Patriots.

Buffalo is so fucking cursed, it's fuckin hilarious.

All that said, Josh Allen is so fucking awesome. I seriously want the Bills to do well for their fans and because they have such a colossally likable Quarterback. However, I'm worried what continued losses to the Patriots might do to the kid .. perhaps we see a change of laundry at some point in his career...?

After all, he does look good in Blue and Silver,

Rodger's vs Packers

That first half was entertaining - not due to the gameplay, but from the Bears fans who knew the other shoe was due to drop at any moment.

All in all, I'm impressed that a professional NFL team could actually win despite having literally no special teams players. Incredible.

Rams vs Cards

Sounds like I missed quite a fun game! But I had other shit to keep me busy:

But yeah, I managed to scope out most of the game and completely forget it. Ultimately I turned off the game before the end, which was a huge mistake because I missed what apparently was the worst fucking end-of-the-game drive (of consequence) in modern NFL history.

Wish I had a clip of it ,, but it sounds like no one should ever be punished with viewing it.

Recaps!

L - 91.36 (6-8) mzarecta

W - 102.30 (6-8) Seyton Manning

The fuck am I looking at here? Mza, you forgot to start a Running back and Tight end .. although your bench looks like a complete dumpster fire of BYEs and IR spots. I realize that neither of you fuckers were playing for a playoff spot so it's more high comedy that you actually put in the time to construct your roster/bench as such instead of just throwing all your fucks into the air and just not giving a shit.

I salute your effort.

Seyton. If you made the playoffs, it'd be a brutal affair. Yeah yeah yeah, I don't care of Barkley is finally figuring out how to run again, Burrow seems like a quality kid with an exceptional first name, and James Conner - your players are literally dying on television (LITERALLY) and really, I don't know how you can carry on this season as a franchise.

Even in the consolation bracket.

In conclusion,

L - 134.54 (7-7) Trinidad's Swollen Testicles

W - 156.02 (10-4) The Impossible Kid

Welp. There was a little riding on this where if The Impossible Kid lost, he'd lose out on the top spot.. which doesn't matter because the second seed also gets a bye. But I guess there's money to be won, so yeah, this win can actually be quantified by a dollar amount.

But Trinidad's Swollen Testicles was basically guaranteed a playoff spot irregahhdless of him winning or losing due to his complete fuckin dominance of the Pts For tiebreaker.

Gaht dam. First it was Henry. Then Thielen. And now Landry is probably out? God damn dude, that fuckin sucks ass.

L - 135.10 (8-6) Chubb and Tug

W - 151.56 (6-8) The Scallywags

Wow, solid win to get into the playoffs by Chubb and Tug. Given the pretty miserable Pts For score he really, truly, needed this win.

Well shit, I gotta learn to read numbers.

Fuck. What a completely anti-climactic ending of the regular season. Chubbsy was in and it didn't matter whatsoever whether he won or not. Love this longer regular season. Whoopee.

PS. George Kittle is good.

L - 157.44 (5-9) SCHWAAAAAAAB

W - 200.22 (9-5) Flip Flops & Coronas

Holy fuckin shit. I think the face says it all,

What a complete and utter destruction of a really, really good fantasy performance. SCHWAAAAAAAB got a vintage Josh Allen performance, with awesome output from MGIII and Renfrow, with a bunch of double-digitters on his way to 157+ fucking points.

But 200+? Holy fuck. I mean, 20+ is a standout performance, but when you get 6 of them (with Brady topping 32) .. it's just fucking unbelievable. The weakest performance came from fuckin Nick Chubb - someone that I figure would at least vulture a touchie or two.

Ahh well.

Just fuckin crazy. Frankly, with a run this hot why have the bye? You're going to score a shitload of points again anyway you crazy son of a gun.

L - 66.12 (5-9) 91 Shrimp

W - 158.78 (9-5) I Am The Captain Now

This was a pretty essential win for seeding .. I think? Didn't grab a bye, but definitely went .. up(?) in seeding. What it means ultimately, who the fuck knows because the two top seeds are doing pretty fuckin good (outside of The Impossible Kid literally having his lineup dramatically dying in front of our very eyes).

91 Shrimp put up a .. roster of players. Only two goose-eggs is pretty good! I know one of the spots were the Bye week Eagles, and Hockenson usually puts up numbahs, but at least Robinson didn't just fuckin shit the bed out there. Points are points. Even if they're just a fraction of a single point.

The Captain fuckin won with Dalvin Cook, Statthew Padford, a fuckin sick play from Kyle Pitts.

L - 95.90 (4-10) Spider 2 Y U do this

W - 131.44 (9-5) Matural Light

Welp. I guess I can't be too mad at my performance. I didn't nearly expect to hit the point total I did .. but it was barely enough to even touch what the Matural was able to fart out. Speakin of fartin, that Javonte Williams kid is fuckin torching his with a trio of "fuck you" performances since the bye.

Hmm. Let's see. What else could I discuss?

OH I KNOW

Fin.

Godspeed with your playoff runs, gents. Wish I could join you, but I'll just be watching from high up in my ivory tower and writing about it when I gets to it.

Buckle in and good luck folks. We got the postseason and the holidays coming in hot.

So until we're in the clear, stay safe, stay healthy, and stay cool - because I like it when my friends are cool.