What a horse-shit of a Sunday of National Football League NFL League Games.

Like. It was so fucking terrible I can't believe it. We had six fuckin teams on bye. And then we had maybe one close matchup.

Really the only real exciting thing was ahhhh .. the Bengals? Really?

This stupid fucking 17-game schedule. That's really who we should all be upset at. Instead of just stretching the season out to 18 weeks and giving teams two byes, we get one more brutally violent game that's totally going to be reserved for international play.

And if Goodell gets his wish, I wouldn't doubt that every team will end up playing an international game every freakin' season. Of course, I have literally zero evidence of this, but I have something much more important: a website where I can publish content that intelligent, savvy, financially secure, sexy individuals like yourselves can come and read.

Best of all, if anyone wants to give me an anonymous tip that's entirely fabricated, I have no problem relaying it back to the public because everyone has a right to know. Even if it's completely and utterly fiction.

I mean, people love fiction, right?

So let's fucking do it!

Let's pre-reserve tickets to the Patriots/Texans game in Warsaw that's coming in 2031! I think if people just transfer me .. ohhh, let's say .. $1,000 I'll guarantee you a ticket to the eventual European NFL game in Poland.

Manning Night Football

AHHHHH YOU FUCKER ELI

YOU GOD DAMN CHEEKY MOTHER FUCKER.

Oh wait, there's more

Did Peyton Fucking Manning admit to god damn manipulating footballs on Manning Night Football?? The internet has seemingly been scrubbed.

I NEED THIS.

Feedin' tiem

What's cookin' for Joe for week 7?

That's right, some fuckin' lamb chops. Lamb lollypops? Whatever. They're fucking delicious.

https://www.justtherecipe.com/?url=https://www.simplyrecipes.com/recipes/rosemary_crusted_lamb_chops/

I ain't got much to add other than it's fuckin wonderful. And that I've gone down to 2mins30seconds on the first face and then 2mins15seconds on the second face, then maybe 2 total minutes searing the sides - then only 3 minutes in the oven.

Shit's rarer than a unicorn burger grilled on moon rocks.

Baseball

Go Barves.

Get fucked, Astros and Yankees.

THAT'S RIGHT YOU FUCKERS. YOU'RE NOTHING, ASTROS. NOTHING.

WHO THE HELL GOES 2-8 AT HOME IN THE WORLD SERIES?

SHIT, WHO EVEN LOSES WORLD SERIES GAMES THIS MILLENNIUM? GOD DAMN ASSHOLE LOSERS.

Fascinating!

TNF

Browns vs Denver

Browns only had three fully healthy starters and still whooped the Donkeys who I guess just ain't got no more winless teams to beat up on.

Sorry, not much from the Department of Memes Dept.

Early Games

KC vs. Remember the Tittans

Media: You simply can not win MVP without being a Quarterback.
Derrick Henry:

He is definitely that guy.

KC. What the fuck was that? Didn't even score a fuckin touchdown. Defense got eviscerated. Crazy. Fuckin sucks for all you Mahomes&Tyreek owners out there.

Pats vs Jets

Ahh yes, the second annual It's OK, You Can Just Watch Red Zone game of the season. It was nice when the Bills were a part of that group but you can't win 'em all I suppose.

Tough game for the Elf under center for the Jets. I think he hurt his PCL maybe? Could be out a little bit. Let's see Cam Newton get signed there.

Great shit from the Greatriots. If I'm being brutally honest: I am a fan of the Mac Jones draft pick. Yes. Some would call me a hero, but not me - I'm just here speaking words but not really because no one is listening, you're actually reading this.

Panthers vs Giants

This fucking game..

For fuck's sakes, the score was 3-5 for way too fucking long without there being some fierce Act of God® taking place on the field. It's the fucking wackiest thing that despite me watching Red Zone, I kept getting assaulted with the graphic images from that shitfest.

For shame, Red Zone. I watch you for awesome plays on offense and defense, not for any displays of shittery by the bottom of the barrel of the league.

And to be frank, with how long that score held the whole affair was ultimately ruined by the fact that it didn't end with that Baseball-esque outcome.

Late Games

WFT vs. Parkers

Holy shit. Those jerseys were straight 🔥🔥🔥

I don't care if those Packer unis were fake throwbacks, they looked really fuckin nice. Especially with the throwback Washington Football Team uniforms.

Anyway, A-A-RON really is just dad dickin' the league whenever he wants, huh?

Failcons vs. [Fuck you] Dolphin

Yo.

So like.

Is Flores good or fucking what?

Because it kinda sorta seems like the Belichick double-agent theory might finally be kickin' in for Brian down in Miami.

The final piece might be trading for DeShaun Watson because he'd:

• Ensure that Tua's self-confidence is weakened to the point of no return
• Trade away the future (it will cost at least three first-round picks)
• Have a superduper mega ultra star at QB that is suspended indefinitely
• Absolutely decimate the integrity and reputation of the Dolphins

After which point, Mr. Flores will be welcomed back to the Patriots organization with open arms.

Oh right. A game happened n shit.

Bengals vs. Ravens

Best fuckin game of the week. Sorry all you Ravens fans out there (hehe not really), but the fucking Bengals are makin a run for that AFC North crown. With the Steelers dealing with Eggs Benedict Wafflesburger and the Browns ,,, a win over the Ravens and god damn, the division - no - the fucking AFC number one seed would be controlled by Cincy.

Happier than a sale on Skyline Chili orders that come with free toilet paper.

Oooo, looks like we have a new update to an old classic:

Lions n Rams

Good fucking God, Lions. You're going to fucking kill your fans this season, aren't you? You're going 0-17 in the first fucking season of its existence, aren't you??

Eagles n Raiders

Carr was fuckin wild this game: 31/34 for 322 yards. 2 tiddees. Pretty great.

Tejans vs. Cardiñals

Read some bits about how much it can suck to be a player that's part of some package for a big-name player. How everyone expects you to fucking perform to feel better about losing such a beloved player.

So with this matchup of DeAnfernee Hodgkins playing against his old team, David Johnson is feeling more pressure than a Houston-area masseuse.

Brrs vs. Bccs

Welp.

It's the week of the Monkey Paw

Fuckin hell man. God fuckin damn hell man. What a fucking blowout. Poor Justin Fields is just getting slapped up and down the fucking field.

It’s easy to blame Nagy and even Pace, but ultimately the buck stops with ownership. Aaron Rodgers needs to clean house and bring in people who know how to win.

Lolts vs. 69ers (hehe)

Yeah. I'm gonna watch Succession instead.. and then completely forget that the game was on. I guess it was pretty good? Whoops.

Do I care? FUCK NO.

Saints @ Seahawks

HOT DAMN.

This came across as a close game, one filled with some action ... but yeah, I think if you had missed this game entirely, all you had to do was look at one stat comparison to understand:

Saints WRs: 4-43-0
Kamara: 10-128-1

Oh. And Geno Smith started a Prime time game.

Recapulations!

W - 141.08 (6-1) The Impossible Kid

L - 73.90 (4-3) Matural Light

Holy fucking shit. I know that Byre Fest 2021 was going to fuck up some shit, but it literally Fyre Fested Matural Light worse than I could have ever imagined someone get Fyre Fested.

Eight total fucking players on Bye. Although one was a kicker and the other a DEF .. so not sure why you couldn't have tried to get someone else. I assume Bass is Boss, so I can forgive simply because it makes for a better column.

That's fucking wild dude. It was a god damn massacre on the level of Anakin and the young Padawans.

Congrats The Impossible Kid, you just beat up like, the equivalent of three 6th Graders where one of them has never seen a martial arts movie (or really any movie PG-13 or higher), one of them is near-sighted and finds every excuse to not wear their glasses, and the third is an uncoordinated little bitch.

W - 126.42 (3-4) Seyton Manning

L - 76.44 (3-4) The Scallywags

And look at this miserable 70-something showing. And not even a bye-week to blame for it.  Although good fucking lord, The Scallywags' IR is at capacity and leaking into his bench.

But damn, just an overall complete shit show of a performance the likes of which people will be talking about until the end of this sentence.

Nice win, Seyton. You got a fuckin wicked sweet one-two punch QB situation with Llama Jackson and Joe "best first name in sports" Burrow. I am quite envious, you son of a bitch.

W - 161.04 (5-2) I Am The Captain Now

L - 99.56 (4-3) Chubb and Tug

Tied coming in, not tied going out. It's like they always say: we'll never see a fuckin tie in ever.

Bye week made for a rough Chubb and Tug, not ideal in any way. It's kinda like there was sand involved too. No one likes sand, it's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere.

Not like this column. Here everything is soft and smooth.

Kinda like this fuckin absurd 161 point performance by I Am The Captain Now.

Cooper fuckin Kupp is just absolutely insane with 34.60 points. And then you get another 30 point performance from Stat Padford.

Fuckin Dalvin Cook was on bye and this mother fucker started Geno Smith.

W - 165.34 (4-3) Flip Flops & Coronas

L - 139.92 (3-4) Trinidad's Swollen Testicles

Well, hot damn! Congratulations to Flip Flops & Coronas for owning Ja'Marr Chase for the foreseeable future. This kid is a fucking beast of a wide receiver, and he's gonna be carrying Flip Flops through quite a few games.

Wow, Tampa Bay with 21 points. Fuckin wild. Justin Fields got fucking mowed.

Not bad Trinidad's Swollen Testicles - even with Tua instead of Janus, IT WOULDN'T HAVE FUCKING MATTERED.

L - 84.12 (2-5) SCHWAAAAAAAB

W - 122.14 (3-4) mza

Valiant effort on your bye, but mza fucked you up pretty bad anyway.

Damn mza, to win after getting that shitty 7.74 points from Mahomes is such a flex. Always nice to see a team rally around it's star quarterback and fill in the scoring gaps that come from a lackluster qb performance.

What the fuck happened with Waller?? Dude hasn't done much over the last couple weeks but a complete gooseegg with a fuckin Q by his name now really raises the ol eyebrows. I remember him as being a pretty solid TE to have.

L - 115.58 (2-5) Spider 2 Y U do this

W - 145.74 (3-4) 91 Shrimp

I guess it's nice that I topped 115 points. Not the worst showing.

But fuck man, having dipshit Quarterbacks is really killing any consistency I might be able to scrounge up. It wasn't even my fucking bye week ... sheeeeeeiit.

Well.

Fuck.

Fin.

All right dudes. Happy fucking Halloween weekend! Hope you are all loaded up on candy, any/all kids have their outfits chosen and ready to go, and you all have the best of luck getting loaded while walking the trick or treat trail.

Take care, have a spooktacular end of Octobah!