Writing this from work ain't so bad - but it gets harder and harder to convince managers walking by that the memery on my computer is absolutely essential to keeping casino dot draftkings dot com up and running smoothly.

Something like that.

Why am I writing this from work? Because I'm on-call for the casino web product at the company I work for, and we gotta make sure shit is in tip-top shape! It's pretty fuckin fun, to be frank. It's fucking exhausting, especially Sunday's marathon from 10am to after midnight. But hey, they take pretty good care of us, we got some sweet swag, we got fed, and we had all sorts of fucking rad dashboards to watch.

Hah, that's actually my setup - on the top right is my actual notebook where I tried jotting shit down about each game.

I'm fairly sure that's about all I can say before I start to require NDAs to be signed. So yeah, hope everyone who plays, enjoys their online gambling. And for people who don't use my company, I hope when you're building your next LEGO set, and you get to the part where you have to put a sticker on a block, you miss-align it just enough that you have to try picking the sticker back off, but it was too stuck on so you kinda ruin the stickiness of that sticker, and you totally don't end up putting it on straight anyway. So now you have a misaligned sticker where a corner will start unpeeling any day now.

Be thankful that I am a merciful God.

Getting back to whatever I should be talking about, thankfully, I've given myself absolutely zero fucking preseason reps so if my spelling and/or grammar is a complete fuckin dumpster fire, it's not my fault. All fingers may be pointed directly at the front office.

Speaking of offseason, I just wanted to brag about a couple of acquisitions over the summer: I am a proud owner of a house and a wife. I couldn't be prouder of myself for finding a human woman capable of tolerating me for extended periods of time. From standing my farts to holding me when I cry from that fucking miracle performance on Monday Night football last season, I truly am blessed (major 🔑).

I definitely am very interested in this whole originalist concept of land owners are the only ones who can vote. I find this actually quite useful in that it serves as a very important motivating tool: you come to terms with the fact that we're like .. all fucked, man.

[sobs loudly and wetly]

So yeah. House! Wife! Hooray! \o/

Gems

Load up everyone,

NOW LET'S GO

Bills @ Rams

First game of the season, and it was such a sloppy pile of wet baby shit.

Sure, the Bills looked like World beaters, but the fuck does that mean after week one? Congrats, you have at least one win for the 2022 regular season.

But at least they ain't the Rams. Holy shite, what a dumpster fire during your ring ceremony game.

I should have more for this one. But I don't.

Oh wait!

Hah.

Pats @ Miami

I watched like 4 cumulative minutes of this game since I was at work, and I feel like I got the gist of just how fucking terrible the Patriots were.

The only way the Patriots did anything was via tactical barrel roll. Unfortunately, due to laziness and complete digital control, highlights of stuff is fucking impossible to find.

Fuckin Tuanon truthers are out in force for their QB today. Or wait, yesterday. No wait, day before yesterday.

Hopefully I released this on Tuesday.

[Edit: He did not.]

Saints @ Falcons

Just go look at some previous Falcons matchup recap. The fuckers squandered away yet another sure-fire win. Incredible shit.

I went ahead and made the following:

There's no reason for me to believe we have any Falcons fans in the league, but I think we all understand completely just how absolutely historic the Atlanta Falcons are at squandering sure-fire wins. For grasping a loss from the jaws of victory.

Browns @ Pound Kitties

Browns got away with fuckin robbery. I guess it pays to have an aggressive and violent sexual predator quarterbacking your team (run Jacoby, you're too pure for this fuckfaced franchise).

Item 3. Stopping Clock. A player under center is permitted to stop the game clock legally to save time if, immediately upon receiving the snap, he begins a continuous throwing motion and throws the ball directly into the ground.

Item 4. Delayed Spike. A passer, after delaying his passing action for strategic purposes, is prohibited from throwing the ball to the ground in front of him, even though he is under no pressure from defensive rusher(s).

source: https://operations.nfl.com/the-rules/nfl-video-rulebook/intentional-grounding

9ers @ Brrs

What a sloppy, wet, and wild field this was played on. And to think, they'll have 7 .. no wait, 8? Fuck, in a 17 game season, how the fuck does everyone play the same amount of home games? That's fucked.

Stillers @ Bungles

From what I've read, this was basically a Steelers/Bengals game from the 2010s but on prozac. It was just as intense, but with zero sexual energy whatsoever.

Iggles @ Lions

Fuck. Wanted Lions to win.

Lolts @ Texans

Colts won, but everyone lost because Wentz still has a starting job.

Ravens @ Jets

Llamar is good.

Jets are not.

Jags @ Commies

No wait, Wentz is on Washington, rigth? Fuck, I probably should have studied for this NFL season.

Gints @ Titles

oh my god, there's more games to go over?

Yeah, I gotta be honest, I ain't got shit for this.

Zona vs Chefs at Zona?

Please, stop. I can't do this. I'm f ucking exhausted.

Raiders @ Charge

Fuckin Chargers.

no wait, fuckin Raiders.

Oh. It's both.

Pack @ Vike

Kirk has a winning record against Rodgers. I think. I'm pretty sure it's not just against Green Bay, but against Rodgers.

Ahhh. Who fucking cares.

Buccos @ Boyos

Mr. Plastic didn't do too badly quarterbacking Tampa Bay, and really he barely had to do anything given how absolutely horrific the cowboys played.

Land donkeys vs. Seadonkeys

Genius Smith doing his best out there actually has .. the Seahawks fucking winning going into the fourth quarter? The fuck is happening?

This is great! Broncos can't help but embarrass themselves and I'm here for it - all the way to the very end. What the fuck was that? A 64-yard attempt?? Does Rhule not Rhemember they have Rhussel Wilson??

Week One Matchup Recaps!

W - 120.32 (1-0) Equitittious Saint Dumbledong

L - 84.86 (0-1) The Scallywags

Death, Taxes, and Genital-related highly-syllabic Team Name from Kak. Nothing signals the beginning of the Fantasy Football Season than a cock n balls Franchise rename.

And this one? Well, I have to give you the rare: Lenny Thumbs Up of Approval

Shockingly, I have to confess one of the greater sins of Fantasy Recap Writing: I didn't fucking follow this matchup what. so. ever. Yes, I have lost a lot of everyone's trust, and now I don't really have any fuckin clue as to how the flow of scoring went, but I have a second confession to make:

I don't think anyone here really gives a shit.

As far as speaking to the rosters?

Trey Lance: kinda fuckin sucks.
Deebs: Eh? Good luck depending on the 9ers offense.
Ezekiel: Only 5.4 points? What the fuck, I thought he did so much more.

Rodgers: Microdosing on turnovers.
Waddle: waddle waddle waddle.
Kyler Murray: more points than inches tall.

L - 123.30 (0-1) I Am The Captain Now

W - 139.80 (1-0) mzarecta

Yikes. To score 120+ and still lose? That fuckin sucks - that's why you should follow my strategy: just give up because it's best to simply not feel anything at all as you slowly drift to sleep on your couch. Numbness is truly the best pill to swallow.

Hey, at least The Captain has himself some fuckin great RBs to move forward with.

Yeah. Cool.

mza? Just as long as he don't overthink who to start vs. who to sit since he got outstanding bench production, he should be all good.

Actually - I'd recommend not thinking whatsoever. It's made me the champion I am today!

Patriot offense player count: 1 (Hunter Hearst Henry)

W - 123.28 (1-0) Flip Flops & Towel Assault

L - 119.70 (0-1) The Impossible Kid

Ahh yes, Carson Wentz scoring twice as many points as Flip Flops' QB+SUPERFLEX positions combined. Just what we all were predicting because you know, fuckin Fantasy Football doesn't make any fucking sense whatsoever.

Clawing together wins before the Frachise QB returns is pretty important, especially since Toweldick comes back either during our playoffs or right before they begin. Should be quite the 1-2 punch with Mixon. Against opponents, Watson will feel them up, and Mixon will knock them down with a violent punch to a woman's fucking face - all applauded by the venerable Brent Musburger.

Yeah so anyway, fuck Deshaun.

Now, you may be wondering if there's anything I'm positively excited about moving forward, and there is something: following the trials and tribulations of picking the best 2 starters out of:

• Ryan Tanneyhill
• Tittiesss Trubisky
• The Milfhunter
• Genius Smith

I'm sure there are some great jokes I could make, but I'd rather just depend on the fact that most of you read/heard/saw some hilarious takes about a couple of these and just ride the coattails of your memories.

L - 111.18 (0-1) SCHWAAAAAAAAB

W - 139.36 (1-0) The Dakstreet Boys

Great new team name.

Outstanding avatar.

I'm sure you'll be able to ride that name (and the namesake) deep into the playoffs.

So while I'm a fan of a Mount Rushmore/God-Tier inside joke with the opponent name/avatar, only one team can win - and it's probably going to be the one that had a player scoring 30+ poi-.

It'll be the one who got 55+ from just 2 playe-..

It'll be the team that had the best performing quarterba-...

Hmm.

It'll be the team that scored more total points.

And no, not from the bench - I finally learned last season that bench points don't actually matter whatsoever in regards to our season standings. Pretty wild shit, I know.

Now that I'm done with these weird and abstract descriptions of the matchup, just wanted to share that Jared Allen is a fucking beast. Dak is seemingly dead. Jefferson isn't an Airplane but a fucking WAGON.

Oh. And shit, Kareem Hunt may be one of the top steals of the draft (and that concludes my draft recap).

W - 159.28 (1-0) 91 Shrimp

L - 126.34 (0-1) Matural Light

Holy fuck. Call off the dogs 91 Shrimp. Your opponent Matural Light is fucking dead. He has ceased to be. Just please, let there be a body to identify and have a funeral with.

5 fucking players scoring 22+ points .. with 3 almost scoring identical amounts:

I dunno about you guys, but I've seen so many god damn, mother fucking matchup boxscores over the last .. DECADE?? (AHHH FUCK), that this kind of output is so fucking pleasing to my eyes.

The aesthetics of 22.20, 22.50, 22.60 (IN DESCENDING ORDER HOLY SHIT) are fucking beautiful. It legitimately makes me so happy - and I'm a little disturbed about it.

Whatever. Numbers are sexy. Like 69 n shit.

Matural Light: nice try. Better luck next week. Looks like in this week's edition of, "Who Wore It Better?"

Kirk wins Week One as America's Mediocre Quarterback.

L - 100.50 (0-1) Spider 2 Y U do this

W - 128.44 (1-0) Seyton Manning

And now for the worst part of my week: examining where I went fucking wrong.

There's so fuckin much to go over so I don't really know where to begin. Probably my biggest pain point was that my built-in excuse for this week was going to be that Seyton started a kicker, so obviously that's where a ~28 point win would come from.

But then I opened up the ol boxscore and .. well,

Fuck.

Here we fuckin go again. Another fantasy season.

Yeah I dunno. Fucking 70+ from three positions is tough to overcome. I guess I'm fuckin' pumped that Julio isn't dogshit, and I'm pretty happy with my QB performance .. I think.

But fuck. My roster is the pinnacle of mediocrity. Swift is fuckin rad, but outside of him I have a trash up and down this fuckin roster.

Nice to see the Quadfather back. Dude went H.A.M. and if he's really truly all healed up, then I'm glad I just got this matchup out of the way.

..

Ahh fuck, we face each other week 12, don't we?

Draft Recap

So I totally didn't type up anyhting for the draft but figured it might be funny to include something. So uhh,,

I guess I had something written down about a Hiltonhead MVP.

I was asked whether or not I have/am smoking weed.

Belligerent autodraft.

Draymond Green's blunt station.

Draft status: Top fuckin tier.

Fin.

Hey! We did it!

2022 season is underway!

It's my pleasure to narrate as much of it as I can with my salty, blackened, cold, vulgar heart.

Have a wonderful end of your summers, everyone. Much love to each and everyone one of you, and let's fuckin go.