I couldn't help it. I wish I could quit you, my link-aggregating habit, but there's just no way. With Belichick getting shit-canned by Robert "rub-n-tug" Kraft, and so many memories flowing back from those early 2000s, I had to post something.

I'm sure many of you assholes here remember those days - I'm fairly certain no one here was born post 2000 - but let me tell you: as a New England sports fan of the 90s, those were some fairly dark times. It's not as though the teams weren't competitive: sure the Patriots made a Super Bowl appearance. The Red Sox had an MVP performance from Mo Vaughn. The Bruins made it to the Stanley Cup very early in the 90s (1990 to be exact).

But there was something so fucking bitter and salty about all those positive memories. That there was no fucking joy for any of the good moments. All the good moments did, was the ultimately remind us of how fucking futile it was to root for anything good.

And as someone who was 3 fucking years old for the last Celtics championship, I was fucking sick of hearing about those god damn teams. I wanted to watch one of my favorite home town teams fucking win a title when my critical thinking skills were developed enough to not god damn be shitting my own fucking pants as a hobby.

I wanted to actually have my own fucking memories and not have to listen to some fucker named Salty Sullivan McFlannigan talk about how the Celtics were such a classy team, who played the right way when they won it all over those selfish Lakers players.

You know, the same type of person who most likely was that fucker who broke into and shit on the bed of Bill Russell's home.

Anyway, enough about Massachusetts' horrifically racist past - let's talk sports - I wanted to have some fucking memories of a god damn championship parade.

And you know what, if we weren't going to win, could we at least be fucking exciting?

Well. No. Instead we're going to peak with the Patriots getting stomped by Desmond dickbag Howard and that pill-poppin, dickpic takin, wrangler rockin, Mississippi welfare robbin' Brett Farvrvre.

And then that storied Celtics franchise we have? The one beacon of positive history we could all point to with pride. Well, they fucking hired Rick fucking Pitino and that thin-skinned dipshit fucking fires Red Auerbach. The one dude the city had who we could at least confirm wasn't a racist shitbird, was fucking sent away because Rick was threatened by a fucking ceremonial position.

We all know how that went: The Celtics sucked shit. Rick Pitino sucked shit. We drafted Chauncey Billups and he fucking trades him away in the same fucking season. We start playing college ball and constantly play with full-court press. And guess what? We fucking lose. A LOT.

Pitino then goes on his fucking asshole rant about Larry Bird not coming through that door. About Robert Parish not coming through that door. Blah blah blah.

And then he has the gall to call us all the fucking "Fellowship of the Miserable" because we were fucking tired of the mediocrity despite spending so much fucking money left and right in order to be relevant in any one of our four sports.

And don't get me started on that racist piece of shit Tom Yawkee, either. Man, fuck him and his entire fucking family. It gives me great pride that we tore down the sign for Yawkee Way and renamed it after Ortiz. I hope Tom Yawkee's memory fades into obscurity.

...

So .. you know, I do have a point with all this: and that point is that our fortunes changed in 2001. Well.. maaybe not New York's .. or our Nation's innocence as a whole, and definitely not Afghanistan or Iraq, or the concept of civil liberties not getting trampled in favor of horrific legislation..

Despite all of that, fans of the lowly and miserable New England Patriots were finally going to experience the type of nirvana that is reserved for only what feels like a small handful of sports championship runs. No wire-to-wire dominance. No big names (other than Drew on our bench). We just happened to catch fire at the right time, leveraged that into perhaps the greatest display of field goal kicking the league had seen in the final game at Foxboro stadium, had our $100 million quarterback save the day in the AFC Championship, and have it all end with the birth of a Dynasty and the greatest run in modern sports history in the Super Bowl.

However, before we ever had any inkling of how 2001 would end, and how the following 20 years would go, all we had was hope. Simple. Stupid. Hope.

I will never forget hanging out in my Tufts freshman dorm after our week 11 win vs. the New Orleans Saints. The Patriots were 6-5. Were two weeks removed from an incredibly narrow loss to the Greatest Show on Turf. I was chatting with an upperclassman from my hall Jake (I'll always remember him as a huge fan of Phish and not a fan of regular showers), and we methodically went through the rest of the schedule trying to figure out how the Patriots may end up.

We determined that if the Patriots could somehow go 5-0, they would have ultimately beat the teams they needed to beat and get that second seed - which at the time came with a bye-week for all you kids younger than 4-years-old - and have a great shot at making some noise in the playoffs.

At the time, we were fucking baked out of our god damn minds thanks to some dank beasters and the best bong I had ever owned (RIP, buddy) but for some reason we kinda believed it could happen. I can't tell you why. I had never experienced being a fan of a team that was remotely capable of that type of run, but again, we had this incredible and 100% foreign feeling of hope.

Well, the Patriots won those five finals games:

• Patriots: 17, Jets 16
• Patriots: 27, Browns 16
• Patriots: 12, Bills 9 (OT)
• Patriots: 20, Dolphins 13
• A bye week in week 16
• FINAL: Patriots: 38, Panthers 6

And that brought us to the playoffs. I can not fucking tell you were I watched those fucking games. I'm fairly sure it was the same place I watched the Super Bowl because it was before the days of online streaming, and kinda after the days of giving a shit about having cable television. But anyway, it was most likely in Matts' and Ian's room because those gods amongst men actually had fucking cable television.

Regardless of whether I did actually watch there or not, I'm just going to say we did and potentially rewrite history because the biggest takeaway from that Raiders and then Steelers games was holy shit: we were in the Super Bowl. The New England Patriots, with ex-Browns head coach Bill Bechileks (or something) and this Tom Brady guy, had made it to the Super Bowl.

And it was against the greatest fucking offense the league had ever seen outside of that 15-1 disappointment of a Vikings team. But unlike Minnesota, this Rams team had actually won a Super Bowl. They had proven they can fucking do it.

But for some fucking reason, it didn't matter. I didn't feel that looming doom that I had felt during the Patriots/Packers Super Bowl. The doom I had felt during the first-ever meeting between the Red Sox and Yankees in the playoffs (fucking 4 games to 1 what the fuck, I had to watch games four and fucking five in new york, fuck that sucked). The doom of knowing we had zero chance of getting that first pick and landing Tim Duncan (probably for the best - Rick wasn't going to do anything but drive him back to swimming).

In that same room of kings, we watched the first half as the Patriots screamed to a 14-3 lead by halftime. I felt fucking terrified. I'm sure the entire god damn region felt terrified.

But being college students fueled by simple hormones, we went over to Delta Tau Delta for a halftime strip show .. which was like 25 dudes and one, maybe two strippers - both of whom required money (who would have thought) before they would do any sort of dancing.

I realized that this probably was going to be a stupid fucking idea in hindsight, but thankfully they had one, tiny, 13" television off to the side with the game on - and I watched. I'm sure most of us watched. And the Patriots nailed themselves a fucking field goal to go up by two whole fucking touchdowns. That was it. We had to go back. There was literally zero resistance. We fucking sprinted back, and Tim, Matts, Feeley, Ian, Jeremy, and myself watched the end of that game in Lewis Hall.

We watched the Rams tie that bitch up with less than two minutes to go.

And we watched the birth of the greatest to ever coach and the greatest ever to play quarterback before our eyes as the Patriots became the Greatriots.

And last Thursday, it ended. After six Super Bowls sandwiching four World Series, one Larry O'Brien, and one Stanley Cup.

Sure, the Celtics and Bruins are absolutely in contention for a title (and it appears that not getting at least one each would be a big disappointment given their talent), but it was a run that was seemingly nurtured and inspired by the Patriots miracle run in 2001.

And no, you will never, ever, ever convince me otherwise.

Emotional reactions

I took some time and collected as many player/coach reactions to the move. Figured it was worth sharing.

Highlight reels

Funny memories

To the fans

You'll never find me on the 'cock

What? You thought I was fuckin done? You thought this was a nostalgia pump n dump? Lmao. Lol. Roffle. Fuck no.

So what's the hair across my ass this week? Well, it's probably the same shit that everyone had to go through this Saturday. Yes, I'm talking about the incredible historic event of our first streamed playoff game.

Man, fuck you, NBC.

The fucking nerve of them to insinuate having to spend money to get around a fucking paywall to watch what was essentially free programming every fucking playoffs was historic in any way? No. It was not just a bullshit cash-grab, it's the fucking shitbird canary in the streaming coal mine that I'm sure every fucking streaming platform watched with great intent.

You absolutely know that the NFL is salivating over the idea of breaking up those giant packages of games they sell to CBS, Disney (ESPN), FOX, NBC, and Amazon even moreso. Instead of making a few billion bucks for the rights of a dozen games, they'll happily sell of one or two fucking game rights to these asshole streaming services.

The worst part is that regardless of whether this saturday was successful or not, it is absolutely the beginning of the end of broadcast network football.

Sports are some of the largest drivers of traditional television [citation needed, but fuck you] with the NFL being the absolute fucking king of it all. It was bad enough that Sunday Night Football (when us millennials were wee lads)/Monday Night Football (now) is locked behind ESPN, but now we have to contend with that dipshit Thursday Night Football, which thankfully can be watched for free via twitch.tv. Don't forget the fucking Disney Toy Story candyassed game we had to contend with earlier this season. Then you got the Nickelodeon fucking game too.

I can't wait until four years from now when some piddling fucking streaming network can just throw a couple hundred million towards a late season game between two undefeated teams and force 30 million viewers to sign up for a fucking month.

Pay-per-view NFL games are coming, gentlemen.

Prepare your anus wallet. The future of streaming NFL games is going to fucking suck shit.

Playoffs and other assorted memery

Hah, I wasn't going to let you assholes get outta here without some memes.

Browns at Stroud Boys

Not much to say here. I feel like this image really kinda captures the entire set of feelings by the Dog Pound,

Personally, I wanted the Browns to win just enough to kick that sexual assaulter to the fucking curb. I hope he's super prideful because his national embarrassment is the only way to actually get to him. Dude's got a guaranteed contract despite never having to step on a field again.

Which is why I also don't really want the Browns to win anything while Deshaun is still in the league. Those owners are complicit in enabling him.

Pack at Dem Boys

The question everyone's been asking,,,

Fraudphins at Chefs

Get fucked, Miami.

I can't believe Mahomes actually played one or two snaps after this happened. If the dude took another shot to the helmet he would have gotten his skull caved in.

Rams at Lions

Steelers at Bill's

Iggles at Buccos

Hahaha

AHHH HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAH

Fin.

Ahh. That felt great. Really therapeutic. Was nice to take a week off and get this text blockage out of my colon. Hope you all enjoyed following along. With any luck all you other Patriots fans enjoyed a bit of nostalgia, and you non-patriots fans enjoyed ... well, I have no fucking clue how any of this could have been fun.

Welp. Have fun with the playoffs everyone. I swear this is the last column for this season. It just has to be.

I got fuckin work to get done this year!

Take it easy dudes. Much love to all y'all!