Yeezy come, Yeezy go

It's October Luckswing Time!

I hear that the month of October is supposedly the most important month of the year for Major League Baseball.

Until November, at least.

Why am I bringing up America's Pasttime in a column dedicated to Fantastical Football?

Well. Because it's my fucking column and I wanted to bring up a horribly curated list of baseball player & fan interactions after someone came and hugged Altuve.

I want an interaction with an Angel.

Pagan.

And if you think I can't connect this shit with the NFL, we _just had_ a situation a couple weeks ago when Bobby Wagner truck-sticks some flare-smokin dipshit (not a fan).

So what other fun ones are there? Well, there's probably dozens and dozens, and I'm *definitely* not going to put in the legwork to get them all. However, I'm a little bored, pretty baked, and I just cracked open a New England IPA, so I might as well work off the top-of-the-dome for some video searches.

Malace at the Palace

Patriots fans are the GOAT

You know what ...

[JOE: You know, I completely lost interest in this section because:]

DAAAA JANKEES LOSE!

HANG THE BANNER!

FUUUUUCK YOOOOUUUUUU YANKEES.

Give Judge his pinstripes for breaking the team homerun record. Then take them the fuck back because he had a single fucking hit in the entire ALCS. What a god damn loosah.

Also, I'm sure you've all heard about it, but let's all join together and laugh at the Yankees' complete failure.

Yoooo, what the fuck? The Yankees organization is officially god damn fucking *broken*. The Yankees are a fucking Institution. It doesn't matter if none of the active players on that roster have zero connection to that 2004 squad. They're the fucking same *organization*. Whether you were a Yankee from the 20s, 30s, 40s, etc.. all the way to present day, you had a fucking ring to connect you across that entire franchise's history (exception is Mattingly, who I guess won as a coach eventually).

It's fucking wild to me that people believe that Aaron Judge earned his pinstripes because of his homerun record. Sure, it's fucking cool to see it bested .. by one .. But it's still not what Yankees earn their pinstripes for. You gotta god damn bring it during the postseason. Even this bitter, salty, shithead of a Red Sox fan can appreciate and respect that growing up, after the hilarious and kinda campy and/or raunchy sports movies of the 80s and 90s, you had all those mother fucking Yankee movies from "back in the day" available.

And fuck you, of course I watched some of them. Who hasn't seen the Pride of the Yankees?

Jesus. Look at what that fucking franchise has made me do. I actually feel pity for the fucking Yankees. They've gotten spanked by the Astros so many fucking times - although I don't see what the issue is, in 2018 it wasn't that tough to put Houston down - so many fucking times that I feel like NYY fans just don't actually know how to process this type of futility. It's something they have no comprehension of.

MORE LOSER MEMERY

        Yankees 🤝 Mariners    
Getting swept by the Astros in 36 innings

Record breaking achievement: Yankees are now the only team in MLB history to lose five straight LCS appearances.

All right. That felt good.

Politricks Corner

Source

Big PP Energy

To continue flexing my ability to write about multiple sports in a single column, let's talk NBA.

And no, not any *active* NBA players (what, why would I? The season doesn't even start until something like Christmas, anyway).

Instead, I bring you The Truth.

When you look up, "living your best life" in the phrase-o-pedia, that above tweet better fucking be what's shown.

Girl Talk

I got no jokes, only praise.

source

Here's the replay. Good for Brockton, good for the team, good for the parents, and most definitely: good for her. That's fucking awesome to see.

I fuckin hate how confident this dude is

What the fuck do you even mean, Russell? Like, I get it. Wolverine has regenerative properties that ultimately make him fucking immortal in the Marvel comic and cinematic universes. It's really fucking cool, it makes for some insane debates and potential 1on1s, but like .. when you say shit like,

AND THEN DON'T FUCKING START THE FOLLOWING SUNDAY, THAT MEANS YOU SHOULD SHUT THE FUCK UP AND JUST DRINK YOUR DUMB-AS-FUCK RECOVERY WATER.

And actually: what the fuck kind of name even _is_ that - like, anything you drink to hydrate yourself after strenuous activity is "recovery" liquid. I guess you could say I'm drinkin some recovery beers after all the chores I did Sunday morning,

What an asshole, jesus fucking christ. Dude shot his way out of Seattle, got exactly what he wanted in a landing spot with Denver, and now he's fucking cowering away while blaming a god damn hamstring. RUSSELL WILSON DOESN'T EVEN FUCKING RUN ANYMORE, HOW THE FUCK IS HE AGGRAVATING A PART OF HIS BODY THAT HE HASN'T ENGAGED SINCE THE 2015 SEASON???

FUCK.

QUICK MATHS

MATHS OVER.

Black Friday

What the fuck.

This is fucking horseshit.

First of all, the Thursday Night Game shouldn't fucking exist outside of god damn fucking Thanksgiving, The NFL Season Opener, and maybe one or two Thursday night games to show off the NFL's viewer influence.

But the fact that we have to fucking deal with fucking TNF games in perpetuity without the fucking NFL even trying to alleviate the issues that cause insanely poor quality matchups, pisses me the fuck off that a day about celebrating near unconsciousness after binging and gorging the day before now has a fucking football game involved.

I don't know about you guys, but that Friday was always the day I would build up my karma reserves with my (or Rachel's) family. Spending time with them. Maybe fuck around with some activities. Perhaps go for a hike, have a lunch out, take advantage of any unseasonably warm temperature, shit there was one year I took my sister shootin guns,,, there's so much familiy-oriented activity for the day to have it replaced with what will be the worst fucking quality matchup that November will see?

Fuck you jeff bezos. Fuckin smooth domed, smooth brained, mouth breathing, designer HGH taking, evil villain wannabe.

Get fucked. It's fucking embarrassing for you to flex your wallet when in reality, you're just another non-NFL-owner bitch.

NFL TIME

All right, enough of me blabbering on about what I assume pop culture is

Thursday Night Football Game

Yo. I do not have any recollection of who played.

Saints?

aaaaaand ... shit.

Thank god I don't get paid to do this.

Oh wait, it had this guy right?

BOROWNS @ Ravens

Things were lookin .. good? for the Browns to start. I had started a prestigous member of the Wolfpack in Briskett so I kinda had high hopes for a high scoring game that the BOROWNS would eventually lose (no free wins for Deshaun the Sexual Assaulter), but shit didn't really go that way. Don't get me wrong, Jacoby was nice and accurate with no turnovers but jesus fucks, them BOROWNS seemed like they just wanted to give this fucking game _away_.

Buccs @ Panthers

What the fuck? Tom came back, for this?? If you're getting a divorce, at least make sure you get the refs, Tawmmy.

I was so angry that this was the only other game available via broadcast, but it ended up being that dumpster fire of a car wreck that you just couldn't turn away from. Actually, that would be an insult to dumpster fire car wrecks, which surprisingly can retain a lot of value.

This game was more of a complete undressing of a squad filled with professionals.

And no, I'm not talking about Dancing Bear.

Like .. the Panthers don't have CMC anymore. Did Todd Bowels possibly forget about that minor detail?

If the Buccs own a panic button, I think now's the time to smash that motherfucker like it's the god damn antidote.

Falcons @ Bungles

Falcons potentially have,

Outstanding young receiving corps

• Potentially one of the better overall tight ends in the league

In the last four games, they've combined for 17 receptions.

And Sunday was National Tight End day.

For shame.

Compare that with the Bengals, who are fucking squeezing every last bit of ability from Mr. Burrow,

Joe Burrow is the youngest player in NFL history (25 years, 317 days) to have multiple games with at least 480 passing yards and 3 TDs. Previous record: Ben Roethlisberger (32 years, 238 days).

Man. What an absolutely, incredibly, talented, first name.

Loins @ Cowboys

Good fucking Lord, Detroit. Holy fucking shit. I just do not understand the psyche of a Lions fan. There is a coworker I have, he's a great guy, really smart, so many positives .. but he's a Lions fan.

Detroit absolutely fucked themselves over so badly. Just incrediballs. I guess most discussion about them will start to involve who they're taking with the first overall pick.

Since I don't really give enough shits to talk about Dallas, I'll share a personal favorite Lions meme,

Did you know: JFK has only missed one Detroit Lions playoff win?

NY Football Giants @ Duvall

I'm absolutely terrified of the second coming of Eli Manning. The one who will deliver and fulfill the 3LI prophecies.

What an absolutely batshit win by the Giants. They're 6-1, with a rookie coach, danny boy, and of course the quadfather.. oh wait, having a dominant running back makes sense. What an awful joke I attempted.

Lolts @ Titans

Titans grabs a fifth straight win over the Colts. And like,, this game was a shitshow. Congrats to the Titans. Kings of Shit Mountain.

I guess this means that Ballard and ~Fourth~ Frank Reich are gettin fired? Yeah, let's go with that.

Oh. And Matty Ice is done-zo.

Packers @ Commodes

Looks like Washington finally got the memo about the NFC BEast.

And damn, fuckin Packers. They lost all right. And next week they have the Bills. No amount of microdosing your farts can get you out of this, Rodgers.

J-E-T-S @ BONROCS

IF YOU DON'T LIKE THAT, YOU DON'T LIKE BIG TEN FOOTBALL!

Terrifying ugly win. Sure, it's always great to see the Broncos suffer a bad loss, but at what cost. Fuck. Losing Breece blows. I feel for the kid.

Oh. And they lost Alijah Vera-Tucker. Holy fucking attrition, Bat Boy.

Texans @ Daaaaa RRRRRrrrraaaaaiiiidurs

Josh Jacobs.

Sea-tl @ Charge

I think it's time to call it:

Chargers have been deemed, Most Overrated Team for the millionth fucking season in a row.

Of all the treasured traditions of the NFL, crowning the Chargers are preseason Super Bowl favorites is possibly one of the most under appreciated. The consistency in that franchise, despite them moving area codes, is truly something to draw inspiration from.

Chefs @ 49IRs

Welcome to the San Francisco, CMC! Hold that L.

This KC team is fucking terrifying. I'm so glad that Brady was able to dominate Mahomes early in Patrick's career when people had the best chacne.

Steeeeers @ Phish (not mammals)

Kind of like when you have Breakfast for dinner, it was kind of neat to get a Thursday Night Game on Sunday Night.

Big fan of Miami's gameplan. I feel like I modeled my high school career in the same way:

Consistently make horrible decisions with no consequences, and still pass.

Brrrs @ Greatriots

I can't fuckin believe that Belichick substituted Zappe in for Mac. Like, I'm in complete and utter fuckin _shock_. It seems like such an un-Bill thing to do unless Mac was legitimately playing like a complete meth-head out there.

Probably needs some more of that magic dust Brady has hidden in the locker room.

But seriously-ish: What the fuck is Bill going to do about Mac vs. Zappe. As much as I love his energy and ball placement, Zappe Hour reminds me of Minshew Mania. I really hope I'm wrong about it, but there's no way that the dude has a higher ceiling than Mac. In Belichick I Trust, but I'm a little shaky at the moment.

Weekly Recaps

W - 131.44 (7-0) Seyton Manning

L - 102.76 (4-3) The Scallywags

The absolute disrespect displayed by Seyton Manning is a fucking work of art.

The motherfucker doesn't even start a god damn kicker, but it doesn't matter because he's gonna win by 25+ points (yes, I'm assuming the Patriots end up with -1.00 points).

Just look at that fuckin production. Even with Llamar and Hill underperforming, you get studs showing up elsewhere, especially with Joe "is the best first name" Burrow absolutely fucking killing it with 44 points.

Kinda sucks to get a pair of goose-eggs from Doubs and Davis. Dreadful. Then you get CMC shitting his pants despite being on a brand new team and filled with hope and optimism.

Frankly, if there's any consolation, losses happen, at least you didn't fuck up your Pts For production. Or something, I dunno. I'm not even good at finding the silver lining in losses despite all of the practice I've had.

W - 155.80 (6-1) The Dakstreet Boys

L - 118.66 (2-5) mzarecta

An offensive performance like this one will turn all them Dakstreet Boys 2 Men. And shit, outstanding move in picking up the Gus Bus.

mza, you tried. Jones n Mahomes went the fuck off, but then you started Greg "the goose-egg" Joseph. I suppose, there's not much you can do against a lineup of death where every single position sans one, scored 10 or more fantasy points. Shit, and the one that didn't hit 10, scored 9.60.

What the fuck Dakstreet. All you did was fuck a bunch of shit up.

L - 63.32 (1-6) I Am The Captain Now

W - 125.22 (5-2) Equitittious Saint Dumbledong

holy fuckin hell man. Haha, actually in this situation, I seriously have to,

Lol.
Rofl.
Shit, even pull out a roffle.

And I'm talking in real life with that shit, because dude, I Am The Captain Now has so many fucking zeroes on his roster it's horrifying,

Sorry to blow up your spot, but it's mildly hilarious how you have a bench full of bye-weeks, then Russell was a scratch for his game, so he was out. And then you couldn't fill your WR spot. And then the diarrhea frosting on the shit cake is how Njoku and Matt Ryan are both Out after their games.

Possibly the most brutal week I've ever seen in the history of fantastical football.

W - 127.70 (4-3) Flip Flops & Coronas

L - 80.26 (2-5) Matural Light

I hope that Tom Brady understands the level in which Flip Flops & Coronas puts his trust into the GOAT Quarterback of all time. Despite the troublesome performances, the man will simply not waver. I have nothing but respect for this move.

Brady aside, that Chase kid is preeetty fucking good, god damn. And not bad double barrel RB shit.

Matural Light. Man. You left a whole bunch of points on the bench. It wouldn't have mattered, but figured I would help remind you of that.

Better luck next week, unless you're facing me. Orrrrrrrrr maybe..... I Am The Captain Now. No luck from me if you're facing one of us. And don't bother asking, I have no fucking idea why.

W - 119.30 (3-4) 91 Shrimp

L - 106.70 (3-4) SCHWAAAAAAAB

All Montgomery could really do was lose the matchup for 91 Shrimp, and I can confirm: he did not do that.

I have to say .. I'm absolutely fucking shocked that Andrew motherfucking Dalton god damn dragged this 91 Shrimp team one more win closer to having a .500 fucking record. Motherfucker.

In a gesture of good will, I'd like to extend my condolances to losing Mike Williams. He's been a real fun wide receiver to follow. Definitely have relied on him in stretches, and it was pretty cool seeing him slowly transition into a dude you don't mind stashing on your bench if need be.

Also, holy fuckin shit Daniel Jones.

W - 113.66 (4-3) Spider 2 Y U do this

L - 94.68 (1-6) The Impossible Kid

I AM THE GREATEST IN EVER.

HOLY FUCKIN SHIT. IT HAS HAPPENED.

Since I'm such a big man, I will admit I am a little sorry I fucked you over in this one, Impossible Kid, but I'll also be a bigger man and admit that I don't actually feel sorry.

You should be lucky that I didn't decide to start Boyd today. I could have! I totally could!

But yeah, thanks to JuJu and Jacobs, I didn't really have to. Holy shit. I fucking did it. Greatest feeling to get that first win of the season. Watch out everyone, cause I'm coming and I don't fucking stand a chance.

POWAH RANKING

Loki

1. Seyton Fucking Manning (7-0)

Let's fuckin GO, my man. Undefeated, and ~47 more Pts For than the next team. Don't stop now, you crazy fucking bitch.

Wandavision

2. The Dakstreet Boys (6-1)

This dude's rockin some shit right now. Five game win-streak, and absolutely churning out points like they're going out of style.

3. Equitittious Saint Dumbledong (5-2)

Maybe not the most points being output, but dude is gettin the timely fuckin wins.

She-Hulk

4. Flip Flops & Coronas (4-3)

Up and down, but this four-time champion is absolutely fucking terrifying.

5. 91 Shrimp (3-4)

Win some more games and lock up that postseason spot, is my advice.

What If

6. The Scallywags (4-3)

Yo. What the fuck?? You don't just have the least amount of Pts For (don't worry, I'm second worst at 657.84) but you only have 656.64 points. What the fuck? I the standings, the person above you has over 210+ more Pts For, and the team below you has fucking 260+ more points. Holy fuckballs.

7. The Impossible Kid (4-3)

Things were going so fucki well. But now you're closer to my record than to first place. Not good.

Moon Knight

8. SCHWAAAAAAAB (3-4)

You better gear up for this weekend's BATTLE OF THE BROs.

9. Matural Light (2-5)

Oh shit, what a coincidence, it's the bro. PREPARE FOR BATTLE.

Ms. Marvel

10. Spider 2 Y U do this (1-6)

Oh h*ck yeah, I win my first game and blammo - I jump two whole fucking spots in the rankings.

11. I Am The Captain Now (1-6)

Losing streak drops you below me. So nyah nyah nyah-nyah nyaaah.

Falcon and the Winter Soldier

12. mzarecta (2-5)

It's kind of a stretch to have you below the two one-win teams .. but that five-game losing streak is god damn painful. Holy shit man. FIX THAT SHIT.

Fin.

Welp. There we go. Halloween weekend .. kinda. Hope everyone's kids know what the fuck they want to be, and don't leave you up shit creek trying to find some last minute bullshit item. I'm just trying to understand the potential trick-or-treat traffic that my house will experience. It shouldn't be much, but I plan on loading up in order to completely regret it the following morning.

So I hope everyone has a great time, celebrate accordingly. Sucks the Greatriots lost, but shit happens. Love all y'all and hope any last minute fall festivals you plan on shoehorning in one one of these weekends is just an absolute blast!

Take care out there.