TWO OH TWO FOUR

I dunno about you fuckers, but I spent this New Year's Eve at home:

Playing some Splendor. Drinking local brews (love me some Juice Bag). Eating home made pizza.

And that's how I likes it.

Not to say that I'm going to negatively judge anyone going out. I've had so much fuckin fun partying on NYE with my good friends of days past. Shit, some of you assholes are part of those ye olde shenanigans. However, it's kinda nice to stay in, load up on ridiculous New Year tradition malarkey (jumping at midnight so you land in 2024 with good luck, eating grapes/round fruits, wearing red underwear, going around the block/house with an empty suitcase, all of the above...), and laughing at the overproduced entertainment running with a fuckin ~45 second delay.

But mostly realizing that I don't have a god damn clue who 75% of the celebrities and bands are that they keep showing on TV.

"Oh no. Green Day is how old??"

Oh my god the season is almost over

All right. With the pleasantries done with, let's jump into some week 17 funnery!

Jest @ BOROWNS

Now. I don't want to just lay into the Jest franchise and pile on because frankly, their trials and tribulations at Quarterback have me realizing that us Greatriot fans will never, ever experience happiness again outside of the occasional week 8 Super Bowl. Especially once Belichick is sent off by Robert Kraft in exchange for two weeks of handies, five happy endings, and seven with eye contact.

Anyway, I think I now have an answer to the question: What would you do if you had a time machine?

No, I wouldn't kill baby Hitler. I wouldn't go back and tell past-me to buy Apple stock. I would grab a grand of bitcoin either.

I'd go back to ~2013 and tell a Browns fan that they would be chanting Flacco's name on the way to a playoff berth in 2023, just to see someone's head explode a la Total Recall.

Lions VS Refs

So I hear some absolutely fuckin bullshit happened this game, and as a neutral third party to this game, I couldn't have been more entertained during and after this game.

Some would say the greatest rivalries in sports would be,

• Sox vs. Yanks
• Celtics vs. Lakers
• Confederate states vs. literacy
• Michigan vs. Ohio St.
• Englishman vs. Scots
• Welshmen vs. Scots
• Japanese vs. Scots
• Scots vs Scots

But we all know the true top-tier rivalry are the Lions vs. the Refs

The wild thing is, apparently Dan Campbell knowing full-well of this storied history did his best to inform the referees about the potential for a deceptively confusing play,

But I get it. The refs had no possible ability to even see #68 declaring himself eligible. And unfortunately, there is zero media available to truly confirm/disprove this,

Of course, I'm sure the NFL will take the appropriate course of action and hold these referees accountable,

But you know, it's all quite relatable. Who hasn't been in a such a high-stress situation and completely fucking forgot what was just told to you? I mean, it's never happened to me, but I'm sure it's happened to other people out there - not just at their jobs, but I'm sure in their own personal lives.

Greatriots @ Bill's

Let's just take a look at the first play of the game and nothing else.

Failcons @ Brrrs

Meh. Pass.

LA/Oak/LV Raiders @ Lolts

Pass.

Rams @ Geeeeee Men

Rams.. are in the playoffs??

STL Cards @ Iggles

I'm sorry, Philly fans. But you know I had to do it to 'em

Aints @ Buccos

I dunno man. I feel like this is the classic Baker Mayfield. Build up so much fucking hope. Play out of your mind. Such a god damn gamer.

And then you fucking lose a game you really kinda sorta needed to win.

9ers @ Commies

A whole lot of people made it to the finals on the back of McCaffrey, and possibly fucking lost because Shanahan drove that motherfucker into the ground, leading to his worst performance all season.

Of course, none of those people are me. Out of the four leagues I participate in, I made a total of zero playoffs.

Tepper is a bitch @ God hates Jags

Fraudphins @ Baldimore

Seems like the Ravens have the number one seed all wrapped up. They can rest players in week 18. They have a first round bye.

What could go wrong?

...

Tittans @ Tejans

Bitchburg @ Rainy City Bitch Pigeons

..at least the Huskies won, right?

LAClippers @ Broncos

Ahhh the Broncos playoff chances,,

Bungles @ Chefs

Pack @ Vikes

FINALS

I got no preamble worth rambling on about here. Let's just FUCKIN GOOOOO:

W - SCHWAAAAAAAB 🏆

L - The Scallywags

What an absolutely incredible finals matchup here. One of those games where you wish both fuckers could walk away with a Win.

But that's not how we god damn do this shit. We ain't no dirty commies in here.

Someone has to be a loser - and while all 10 of us who aren't even in the finals would qualify as the biggest fuckin losers out there, The Scallywags will sadly be the latest inductee into the 2023 Circle of Loserdom (in 2024).

SCHWAAAAAAAAB has a lot of people to thank, but perhaps the biggest ones are:

• Kenny Walker III who ultimately vaulted his ass into the champion of .500 fuckers
• Kyle Shanahan for absolutely running Christian McCaffrey into the fucking ground over the last few weeks, resulting in his lower output for the entire fucking season - and lowest since week 6

This fuckin SCHWAAAAAAABster was so fucking close to spending the whole offseason saltier than full-sodium soy sauce after not benching Umami Cooper due to what I can only assume is taking too much Ketamine for one of those MSG Phish shows. He had great performing receivers on on his fucking bench who would have made this a much less anus-clenching game.

In a way, we should all be thankful of such a folly - otherwise there really wouldn't have been any chaos to root for. And it would be completely appropriate in a matchup of fuckin 7-7 teams.

The fucking 4th and 6th seeded teams rolled their way to the Finals. Shame upon all you double-digit winners. How do you let such slapdick rosters who had to rely on,

• two backup Ohio quarterbacks
• and uhhh well... Actually, SCHWAAAAAAB's fuckin roster is pretty strong, how the fuck does he only have seven wins??
• Welp. This joke kinda backfired

Man. If there was one player who scored more consistently than fuckin CMC, it was CeeDeez "Nuts" Lamb. Sure, he kinda faltered 3 of the first 5 weeks, but after that he god damn fucking killed it. That's a player so many of us wish we had to sling the rest of the roster over their shoulder and fucking drag it to a win.

Josh Allen? He should have been that player but seriously, after this last week the dude is just outright irresponsible. Allen shouldn't be in any fucking MVP conversations until he can go a handful of weeks without not just a turnover, but a fucking stupid god damn improvisational move that could have cost the team the game. He tries so fucking hard to score 20 points on every play, but it's like he doesn't care if it's his team or his opponent's team.

I simply can not imagine what it's like rooting for this dude as my quarterback - either in fantasy or in real life. It must fucking suck because I don't think he'll ever fucking win anything outside of a fantasy league or two.

But who fucking cares about that Real Life shit. This is Fantasy, and a dipshit .500 team just won the championship. What an unbelievably insane hobby we all share, and I hope all y'all had as much fun reading what I was able to cobble together week-to-week, glued together by lazy, vulgar language.

Anyway, congratulations SCHWAAAAAAAB. May you bask in the glory of having your name etched onto the trophy of champeens.

https://i.imgur.com/DUXIRpl.png

I fucking dare you do it again.

You won't.

Fin.

Well shit. It's over. It's done. Another Fantasy Football season is dead and gone.

I don't know about all of you folks, but I had a blast. Sure, my record may not indicate the best of times and instead, the blurst of times, but it's always a joy to check my roster by Sunday evening, curse some sort of higher-power, watch the primetime games and then run it all back the following week.

It's also an absolute joy when I get inspired to include some sort of fuckin weird intro to this column that may not have anything to do with Football. Whether it's my annual gripe about Cheese or Timezones. Maybe it's another food ranking or another story that serves to demonstrate how far we've strayed from God's light. Whatever it ends up being, it's a joy to write and I hope it helps bring a smile to your fuckin faces for those of you who choose to follow along.

So good luck in 2024, everyone. I hope it's everyone's best god damn year, and I look forward to running all of this shit back in August.

But let's not rush there for the love of God. Time passes way too fucking fast nowadays. I hope we all get a chance to savor some of it.

That's right. FOUR.